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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Cheers and Jeers


Sipping on a beautifully chilled 3 Ravens 55 last night, I couldn’t help thinking that the last week had been a busy one and overall quite unique. Here is something of a ‘Slaps & Sledges’ post – slaps on the back for the good ‘uns and sledges for the wrong ‘uns.

An unprecedented spell of hot weather – including the second hottest day in Victoria’s recorded history – meant that plenty of people had very good reason to get snippy and shitty and generally act like tools. But this was not the case. Neighbours joined to check on elderly residents in their street, strangers assisted neighbours who had lost power, volunteers fought fires, provided lighting for police and fire fighters, made meals and toted water and our very own Prime Minister jumped four pews in church and knocked over three old ladies to help assist an old bloke out after he had fainted in the heat.

To the peanuts and knob-jockeys who deliberately lit some of the fires that destroyed homes, farms and, for f%$#s sake, a 150 year old pub, I hope your beer turns to vinegar and rots your tackle on the way out. To the soft-cocks who grizzled about late trains, hot days at the tennis and coins stuck in the pokie machine when the power went out – harden the F@#K UP!! (Thanks Tim for reminding me of that one). To the dumb-arsed flogs who keep demanding that somebody else drag their own sorry arse out of the poo – see the above.

To the over paid, publicly funded, lab-coated spazzos who keep pumping out ‘new studies’ showing that beer is inherently evil – stop wasting my money and my time and start finding a cure for something real. Dickheads.

To the little ones, including our own middle Pilsner and Master Lager who started their school journey this week in searing temperatures, well done and it’s great to have you out of the house. to the teachers who will guide them –good luck and God bless!

To the many volunteers who give up their time to support the paid emergency service workers as well as providing vital community assistance in these times of trouble, well done, here’s cheers. To all those strangers who pass on their thanks and offer them drinks (can’t have a beer in uniform, sorry!) here’s cheers. To the families and friends who make t possible for them to do their jobs, here’s cheers. To the poor bastards from the various power companies who were ‘up the poles’ for most of the last week in 40 plus degrees heat, here’s cheers.

And ... to all those magnificently talented and dedicated craft brewers who have provided some beautifully chilled refreshment and enjoyment at the end f a long hot day, CHEERS!!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Political Correctness


I got some good response to my recent post about political correctness and dickheadedness and how somewhere along the way we lost our ability to laugh at ourselves and take even the tiniest adversity in our stride.

With that in mind, and as a sort of pre-emptive strike in the battle for common sense, here’s a funny gag I read somewhere. Please feel free to be offended. If I have left you out, my apologies.

How Moses got the Ten Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'


The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'


And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'


'Can you give us an example?'


'Thou shall not kill.'


'Not kill? We're not interested.'


So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'


The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'


‘Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'


Then He went to the Australians and said, 'I have Commandments.'


The Australians also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'


'Not steal? We're not interested.'


Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'


The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'


'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'


'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'


'They're free.'


'We'll take 10.'

I hope I have covered most groups there. Please direct any complaints, threats, applications for Apprehended Violence Orders, civil rights and equal opportunity claims and sooky la-la comments to the following address;

www.idon’tgiveafatratsarse.org.au/hardenthef#@kup/haveabeerforgoodnesssake

Cheers,Prof. Pilsner

Monday, February 2, 2009

Desert Island Beers





At January’s Ale Stars at The Local Taphouse, Shandy, Chris and I got chatting at the bar afterwards to Kelv and Steve, two first time Stars. Kelv posed the question; “Choose three beers – any three – but these are the only beers you can have for the rest of your life.” Just like that.

This is that variation on your top ten albums (CDs for you Gen Xers and MP3s for the Gen Yers) to be stuck with on a deserted island or picking three chicks in a variation of the pub game; Who Would You Do? Any three beers – but that’s it.

I’d be interested to hear how our readers would go about this as there was a great deal of variance in how our participants took to the task. It’s all hypothetical and not restricted by the boundaries of reality so you can have bottled or kegged, chilled or cellar temperature – the island can cope with anything. Don’t take too long to nominate your stash, and don’t let anyone second guess you. Nor should you worry too much about your decision. It’s meant to be fun.

I went with the thinking that forever is a really, really, really long time so I would need three very different beers – not necessarily my top three favourites. I went with a Moo Brew Hefeweizen thanks largely to the fact that the brewer, Stuart Ritchie gave me a four pack when I visited and a fresh-as-fresh hefe first thing in the morning was an absolute delight. So there’s my breakfast beer sorted out.

I figured on having to choose another nice ‘meal’ beer – something with body, flavour and complexity for all those occasions where sustenance is more important than refreshment or for palate cleansing all those coconut cream pies that Maryanne would be making for me. (Yep, she’s one of my OTHER three) I narrowed my field down to a handful including a Grand cru from either Murray’s or Hoegaarden, a Red Hill Temptation Belgian ale – but then I remembered what I would choose as my third and changed my mind completely, going with a Bridge Road Brewers Pale Ale. I couldn’t go long without a Pale Ale. There’s lunch sorted.

Number three was a Weihenstephaner Pilsner – long time favourite and a great beer for lots of occasions. Just what occasions I’d be hosting on my deserted island, I’m not quite sure, but, you know ... you never know. Maybe Debbe Dunning (Heidi, the 2nd tool girl from Home Improvement) would turn up for dinner one day. (She’s ANOTHER – not giving away the third!)


It’s a more difficult task than you’d think and it’s perhaps as hard to pick the ones to leave out as it is to pick ‘the ins’ Drop us a comment with your three.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner