Seeing something in a new light

Whilst I have never served my country in time of war and have little real family connection to the ANZAC tradition I have a long ‘history’ with the day itself.

As a preschooler I can remember being taken into town to The Shrine of Remembrance on St Kilda Road rugged up in tartan dressing gown and Grosby slippers. As a schoolboy I can recall learning about the birth of the ANZAC legend and the forging of the Nation’s identity in fire on the shores at Gallipoli. I remember learning of my Poppa’s exploits in Papua New Guinea during WWII and how he made a good earn putting his Melbourne City Council skills to good use recycling military leftovers into souvenirs.

In secondary school I felt caught up in the apparent sudden backlash against ANZAC Day and the argument from the Left that the day was less a commemoration and more a glorious celebration of war, white men and the subjugation of women. I know I learned the ‘moratorium’ from driving past anti-war graffiti in the city. This was followed (seemingly overnight but I’m sure the years have dimmed the accuracy of the memory) by a groundswell of fervent devotion as the public came to realise that the last of the original Diggers would soon disappear. It was as if a switch had been flicked and it became something of a pleasant duty to attend a commemorative dawn service on ANZAC Day.

And so it was in this morning’s foggy dawn that my 15 year old and I attended a local RSL service along with some thousand others. No more than ten years ago we would stand three rows from the clock tower with no more than three or four rows of people behind us. We would arrange to meet friends at dawn and have no trouble finding them. Over the years the crowd has grown to the point where the organisers don’t bother asking the crowd to pay their respects after the service so as to estimate the numbers. We took up a spot just off the footpath, two figures in the mist standing in the middle of a ‘people soup’.

Talking to a bloke who must have seen off his 80^th birthday a while back got me thinking about many things, not the least of which was the sacrifices made, the friendships born and the mates left behind. But that’s not for here; I also thought about the way in which many of these blokes will spend the day.

They will play two-up and tell tall tales. They will fondly remember the larrikins and the work-dodgers, the leaders and the lost boys. They will proudly wear their company colours and their decorations but they will not ‘talk up’ their own achievements, nor will they whinge about the privations and hardships they survived. They will do all this – and more – as groups, as teams, as companies and battalions but, more importantly, as comrades. And they will more than likely do it over a beer.

And the beer will more than likely be VB or Carlton Draught. Many were already onto their second or third pony of the stuff at the RSL bar by the time we got back to our car. It will be significant to them. It will mean something. And here’s the thing; for all the discussion and debate and sometimes anger over what many see as a glib or opportunistic promotion by CUB to ‘cash in’ on ANZAC Day with their ‘Raise A Glass’ Appeal and the money it donates to Returned and Services Leagues around the country, it means something.

It may not be what I would choose as my everyday beer nowadays (although there was a long time for which it was) but if I had been able to go back for the Gunfire Breakfast at the RSL and the bloke I had met earlier handed me a foaming pot of ice cold VB, I’d be honoured to share one with him. No doubt as many kegs as there are surviving diggers will be emptied in bars and clubs around the country today and I doubt many will be Strong Belgian Ales or Double Imperial Russian Stouts.

But as you down the next glass of your current favourite craft beer, spare a thought for the blokes who felt it their duty to fight against tyranny and injustice, who gave up a fair bit of their youth and beyond and then returned to rebuild a country where today we enjoy the freedoms so often taken for granted.

Have a look at VB for what it is for so many blokes. It’s a brand, not just a beer. It’s a memory and a sign post and it’s quite possibly what gave them the edge in dire times. Today it is inextricably linked to binge-drinking and bad behaviour, to bogans and bar fights, to cheap-and-nasty. It is called ‘macro swill’ and ‘wife beater’ and it is used as currency when describing the bottom of someone’s barrel. And maybe that will never change for some.

Maybe for one day at least we can look at it fondly, for their sakes. Have a beer today just to be thankful. Even if it’s to be thankful that we have plenty of good beers other than VB with which to toast.

But I’m going to have a VB.

Cheers

Prof Pilsner

New Zealanders can brew a beer

Anyone with a computer (do ‘the kids’ even call them that anymore) will be familiar with the constant stream of spam, ads and other assorted unsolicited e-mails that seems to sneak past even the best security software these days.

So, when my inbox revealed an invitation from the New Zealand Government Trade and Enterprise department, I was curious if not outright sceptical. I mean, I have trumpeted the virtues of the craft beer coming across the Tasman Sea in these pages at any opportunity and I’ve regularly incorporated a beer into my Beer Dinners - but I’ve also ‘teeken tha puss’ quite a bit. But I reckon that’s forgivable when the Kiwis keep sending shows like Motorway Patrol and Police Tin Sivin over to our tellies.

Not only did the invite prove to be genuine, but the night turned out to be as much fun as I’ve had drinking beer and eating sheep for a long, long time. Assembled in the sumptuous confines of Chloe’s Bar upstairs at Young & Jackson’s were the finest craft brewers from the Shaky Isles along with the glitterati of the Australian beer scene from writers and venue operators to distributors and industry heavy-weights. And there was me.









For those wondering, the Chloe in ‘Chloe’s Bar, refers not to the name of the girl at the bar, but rather to the painting of Chloe, a much-loved Melbourne icon. Or, as one of my now-favourite NZ brewers put it; “She goes all right for a hundred year old nude chick, doesn’t she?” Yes, Carl, she does.

Back in the dining room we were sat at long tables dressed in white linen and treated to eleven of New Zealand’s finest craft beers, matched to eleven different dishes and introduced by the brewer himself. Very few of the brewers did anything to disprove the theory that beer folk are all very down-to-earth people who don’t need to take themselves too seriously and each beer was presented with humility and humour in equal quantities. For the Beer Nerds, I’ll list the beers and their matches at the end of this post.
After the formalities had concluded we moved back into Chloe’s Bar where we were met by a veritable ‘who’s who’ of Australian craft brewers who clearly have a well-tuned radar when it comes to sensing a free feed and bit of good company! The room filled quickly and the camaraderie was evident as friendships were made or renewed. Most of the eleven beers we had tried earlier were on tap and it was interesting to note that there didn’t seem to be a ‘crowd favourite’ and all were being given a second run.

More interesting was the general feeling among many of the brewers that the food and beer matching was nice, but not to given too much weight. I found this both odd and refreshing as we seem to be in the midst of a groundswell of support for the concept over here but I also feel that, at times, we take it a little too far. I liked the fact that New Zealand produce was being showcased along with the beer and really, apart from one or two dishes, they all ‘worked’ pretty well.




I am constantly amazed at just how enjoyable the company of beer people is. Put a beer in the hand of a room full of brewers and before you know it, the problems of the world are ... well ... a world away and the glass is half full. Although, as last night showed, they’re not half full for very long. And many of these blokes I met last night come not from generations of brewing tradition and family run breweries but from ‘normal’ walks of life and regular job histories.

Maurice Bennett provided a Belgian Strong Ale that is the equal of many I’ve had and yet he hails from a background in Supermarkets. Mind you, he’d struggle to stock anything above the second shelf, but what he lacks in stature, he more than covers in passion and pride in his product. ‘Big Carl’ from Harrington’s was one of our table-mates and, if he ever gets out of the brewing caper could easily make a living pretending to be Andrew Symons. Although I reckon I enjoyed a beer more with him last night than I’d ever enjoy with ‘Roy’.




The evening provided a terrific opportunity to sample some of New Zealand’s best craft product available here, and to also get a feel for what the locals are keeping to themselves at home. Hopefully some of these beers can find their way onto a container ship in the future. When I left for the night the crowd was in the process of moving to the rooftop bar to begin the night all over again.

That might have provided some good opportunities to seal a few export arrangements!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

A special “thank you” to John for arranging to get my name onto the guest list!

And, for the nerds;

1. Emerson’s Organic Pilsner (Prawns w mango/mint salsa)
2. Mac’s Hop Rocker (Crumbed soft herb chicken)
3. Bennett’s Belgium Strong (Veal w tuna mayo)
4. Tuatara Hefe (Morton Bay Bug spring rolls w lime sauce)
5. Vicar Vice Wheat (Mussel fritters)
6. Captain Cooker Manuka (Smoked eel)
7. Liquefaction (Lamb cutlets)
8. Epic Pale Ale (Chorizo w quince)
9. Porters Rye Ale (Venison w caramelised onion)
10. Harrington’s Pig & Whistle (Tira Misu)
11. Yeastie Boys Pot Kettle Black (Bittersweet choc truffle)

The Beer Diva @ The Sydney Opera House

"Beer is Proof that God wants us to be Happy"

A Date with The Diva

Every now and then the planets align and circumstances combine to provide an opportunity to do something different, something a little crazy and something ... spur of the moment.

So when I received a subscriber e-mail from Kirrily Waldhorn, The Beer Diva, requesting a registration of interest for an upcoming show at The Sydney Opera House, Mrs Pilsner said, “Why don’t you go?” As best mate and co-founding Beer Bloke, Dr Lager had recently moved to Sydney I figured it was as good an excuse as any to pay him and the family a visit so I said; “What the Hey?!” and tapped in my details.

I mean, really, how often do you get an invite to go to the Sydney Opera House and drink beer?

The Beer Diva’s show, ‘Beer is Proof that God wants us to be Happy’ is so much more than just drinking beer. Although, to be fair, it’s a pretty good part of it. Anyone who has attended a Beer Diva beer dinner, beer and cheese experience or beer tasting will be familiar with the basic concept. The audience, seated at floor-level tables in a cabaret style layout is taken on a journey of beery revelation, beginning with a brief and entertaining history of beer, through beer pouring rites and glassware care and even some fun facts and figures segments which beautifully defend beer and seek to bust the myths that surround it.

The show is set out in five acts, each act starring a different beer style. The style is explained from an historical viewpoint and in a cultural context and – now here’s the good bit – fuelled by the thoughtfully arranged beers on each table which the audience enjoys in concert with the host. A Beer Captain is appointed at each table and charged with ensuring the beers are poured well and distributed to the rest of the table.

I won’t go into detail about each style here, I’m assuming you know a little about different beer styles and your imagination can fill in the gaps, but I have to briefly make mention of the opening beer. As we arrived we were seated at our tables which were already set with the night’s supply of beer. A wit, a pilsner, a lambic, an amber ale and a porter sat teasingly in the centre of the round table, beckoning us. I reckon I had the order sussed out fairly immediately but I kept second-guessing myself on the place of the limbic – as a sweet/sour finisher? As a mid session palate cleanser? A curve ball thrown in somewhere else?

We began with the Lindemans Kriek. Genius! Not only did it break the ice by getting everyone at every table talking amongst themselves, but it swiftly crushed any preconceptions about what beer CAN taste like! No mainstream lager, this! No bitter and fizzy session BBQ swill! Is this even beer?!? To select this beer as the opener was a masterstroke that set the scene for the rest of the evening and kept us waiting expectantly for the next surprise.

Our table was made up of two other groups, a pair of couples and another couple and there was plenty of beer to go around. But, as I always say, there is ALWAYS room for improvement. Dr Lager and I had spotted a guy at the table in front of us sitting on his own. After the second beer we decided that he must not have been waiting for friends and offered him a spot at our table. Afterall, you can’t drink beer on your own in this sort of setting. He graciously accepted our hospitality. “Not so fast, mate,” we interrupted as he grabbed his coat and made for our table. “You’d better bring those beers with you, eh?” “You might also want to grab those chockies, beer glasses and showbags as well, Champ” chimed Dr Lager.

And so it was that our night really got going.

Each act revealed the next beer and more engaging live music and cleverly produced animation projected onto the huge screen above the stage gave the audience a humorous take on various beer subjects as well as giving The Beer Diva a chance to take a breath and a change of wardrobe. In fact, it was not until the third act and beer arrived that I reckon the last of the crowd realised that each style was accompanied by a ‘matching’ evening dress – I don’t mean each new dress had a different beer spilled over it, but that the colour of each outfit matched the colour of the beer – and though I don’t know fashion, I know she carried them well. I thought to myself that it was fortunate for Kirrily that she hadn’t chosen to showcase Corona as it’s so flavourless and thin the matching dress would have to be pretty short and see-through.

The Beer Diva’s engaging nature and humble stage presence combine to ensure that the night remained informal and relaxed, a steady yet ambling rhythm keeping the evening moving while neither rushing nor dragging it out. Her ability to paint the picture, while ‘keeping it real’ meant that everyone from novice to know-it-all was entertained and engaged.

She may, however, want to re-think the part where a male member of the audience (“Mr Muscles”) is summoned to the stage to assist with a beer pouring! The chances of this bit going pear-shaped as a result of the consumption of the aforementioned beers is a constant threat and Kirrily may need to ‘plant a stooge’ in future performances. Kirrily, you have my number! (Having said that, we bumped into Saturday nights’ “Mr Muscles” after the show in Circular Quay and he was still ‘livin’ it large’ on his new-found fame!)

It is a credit to Kirrily that she was able to engage the audience – many of whom had little idea what quite to expect – and make history, culture and philosophy live. And all through beer!




For those familiar with the origins of the Beer Diva and, specifically, her ‘beer epiphany’ the night concluded with a porter and chocolate matching. I tell you, you’ve never heard so many oohs! and ahhs! and “that’s not bads!” fill a room at one time.

The night drew together the realms of beer and art, of entertainment and education and music and laughter – plenty of that. A big off-Broadway style musical finale closed the evening and vocalist Leah Thomas’ high notes had us reaching for our Speiglau’s lest she shatter them.

Dr Lager and I set off and found ourselves in a taxi heading to the Darlinghurst Local Taphouse.

But that’s another story!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

A big thanks to Kirrily for an exclusive 'audience' with the star after the show ...and for generously sending me these photos. I was being very good and not taking pics during the show like we were asked!

And, for those curious, Alex, the bloke we dragged off the table for one was in town from Canberra and came to the show because it was "the only show that happened to be starting when I got to the box office!" Gotta love that!

WONDERFUL RESEARCH RESULTS

Thank You to Mrs Pilsner for this latest research which shows that beer and yoga have the same health benefits. I have not included "Downward Dog" as I don't want to jeopardise the Family Rating of my blog.


Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.



Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.




Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.




Halasana
Excelent for back pain and imsomnia.



Dolphin
Excelent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.



Salambhasana
Great excersice to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.




Ananda Balasana
This position is great for masaging the hip area.



Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.




Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'.

Cheers ... and beers
Namastaye,
Prof. Pilsner

Big Helga and the Professor

As a Beer Bloke I’m often asked for an opinion on a beer. Usually it’s a guest in the restaurant or a mate at a function or even that little old lady in Dan Murphy’s who was happy to ask a stranger (I was also the only other person in the craft/imported beer section at the time) for some advice. And while I’ll never just bag a beer – I might strongly suggest an alternative – I always try to say nice things.

When there is an added incentive to say nice things – say, the offer of a very nice, badged beer glass and some free product, well, you know...you know how it is... ?
It doesn’t make any difference.

When I was approached to accept a free gift and some free pots in return for promoting a new beer I said I would be glad to help out. Anything to get more people drinking better beer and all that. I added that I didn’t really do ‘beer reviews’ and I wouldn’t say anything that I wasn’t prepared to stand behind.

At this point I wasn’t told which beer I would be spruiking, although; “A large boutique brewery client that wants to send you a 6-pack of their new, unreleased publicly Munich style Lager/Pale Ale” did lead me to suspect that a rather tall German lady might be arriving shortly in liquid form.* And don’t we all want that!

Plenty has been written and spoken about Big Helga in the beer blogosphere recently and I have to admit that I already had a soft spot for Matildas Bays’ latest garage-engineered brew, having sampled it with the brewers at the Microbrewery Showcase back in November.

She is a lovely light-golden lager who, while maybe not strictly speaking an Oktoberfest lager, certainly has the required ID that would see her easily admitted to the beer tent in Munich. There is a bit of debate about as to whether or not it has too much hop flavour to be a true Helles or not enough to be an Oktoberfest beer, but either way, she is refreshing and rewarding.

And, as it is with all good beers, it has some stories attached. I can promise you, from years of suggesting and then pouring various beers for guests, the easiest ones to sell are the ones with a story. Big Helga’s ‘heritage’ may be straight from the first chapter of the Marketing For Dummies Manual and you can take that for what it’s worth, but it has a very credible back-story concerning the lass representing the ‘original’ Big Helga at the product launch back in October.

MB Executive, Jamie Fox had found it impossible to find a model with the suitable height to carry the role until a late night tram ride revealed a possible candidate for the future Helga. Apparently half-tanked and inarguably half her size, he made the last-second decision to jump off the tram when she did and accost her in the street. The old yarn about the girl-on-the-tram and the ‘modelling agent’ could easily have played out with the pint-sized stalker gazing at the night sky from the gutter – he didn’t even have a business card on him to back his sketchy claims! Fortunately she took the chance and now Big Helga lives!

For those beerily-minded folk reading this Big Helga’s ‘stats’ are as follows;
She sits around the 20 IBU mark, giving her roughly the same bitterness as a VB or Toohey’s New and she weighs in at 4.7% ABV. For the really beer-nerdy among you, her ‘complexion’ is 12 EBC making her just a little more golden than a Helles might ordinarily be. She is bittered and flavoured with a NZ Pacifica hop in both kettle and dry form producing plenty of flavour without too much bitterness. Just what you want in a good woman.

But, to finish, she IS a little different. Brewer Scott Vincent describes her as a good lawnmower beer for the session drinkers but a beer which rewards the Thinkin’ Drinker with some inner complexity. Some tropical fruit aromas and a dry resonance makes her very palatable and a good partner to the increasingly popular older brother, Fat Yak.

Did I make you want to go out and get yourself some? Because I could do with some promo stuff and I gotta earn it first!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

*At the time of posting, she still hasn’t arrived in the promised six-pack form.

P.S. The pic I found on Matt's blog probably doesn't show just how tall Big Helga is - Matt is a pretty tall streak himself. Is it too late to ask if I can use your pic, Matt?

Some more Beer Karma

I used to do bit a fair bit of specialised chalkboard art for a number of restaurants a few years back - menu boards with caricatures and sneaky little pop culture references hidden in them – that sort of thing.

I’m too busy to keep it up as a business and I haven’t done any for a while but one old customer called me to come out and update a small board he has at a little cafe in South Melbourne and I couldn’t help but help him out.

It was a ten minute job to change a few prices and add a few items but, as often happens in real life, a nice little coincidence led to a nice little experience. The cafe owner had taken the ladder home and even though I just push six-foot, I can’t reach a chalkboard perched above a work bench and grill without feeling a little toey so we had to have a Plan B.

“Would you mind popping over the road and asking to borrow their ladder?” he asked.

‘Over the road’ just happens to be nice little inner suburban relic of Pubs in Years Past, The Maori Chief hotel. Founded in 1867 (I know that’s not old for you English pub people but it’s positively ANCIENT by our Colonial standards!) it has a front bar at the front and a side bar at the side and a nice dining room and function area as well.

It also has The Goat on tap.

I just happened to notice as I grabbed the ladder that Mountain Goat Steam Ale was on tap in the front bar and decided that a nice way to thank them for the use of the ladder would be to come back after the job was done and share some nice quality time with the Youngest Pilsner, who was along for the ride.

Can I just say how nice it was to sit at a good old fashioned bar in a good old fashioned pub sipping a good old fashioned pot of very nice beer with your youngest for company. It was all over in fifteen minutes but it was worth ten times that.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Another one of those nights

Two in a week! Last night we were fortunate to have a booking of ten consisting of some local Fine Wine Department managers from one of Australia’s large liquor retailers. Fortunate for them because they got to experience the charm and atmosphere of the area’s most beautifully appointed restaurant and fortunate for us because they were each bringing along a special bottle from their own private cellars.

How is that fortunate for us when it means we lose out on drink sales? Because the trade-off was that we would get to share each wine with them in return for us selecting several small courses to match to each ‘mystery bottle’. How was that fortunate for me when I am very much a Beer Bloke and not a Wine Wanker?

Well, while I do enjoy the odd lager, ale or assorted other, I can also appreciate other forms of imbibing fluid when it is a good representation of the style or when it’s matched to food or even when it’s just something special. That’s the kind of guy I am.

But last night gave me a new insight into something I might have been taking for granted. These guys and girls were really passionate, not just about how old or rare or special the wine was but also about sharing an interest, getting together and having an experience. And, as an ‘outsider’ I really enjoyed watching the interaction, the camaraderie and the slow but inevitable effect of a table of people and ten bottles of wine!

I guess that my passion for beer is seen by others in the same way that I saw theirs. At Beer Dinners and Ale Stars meetings and Spectapulars and Microbrewery Showcases and just at a simple table at home with a mate or two, sharing a beer and a bit of bullshit is what life is really all about the other stuff can either wait, or get stuffed!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

The People you Meet

Last night was ‘one of those nights’. A nice warm evening, a full restaurant and fridges full of beer. But it was also the night after the full moon which, for restaurant managers and owners is a bit like ‘Forrest Gump chocolates’ – you never know what you’re gonna git.

As it turned out, not only did we have plenty of lovely guests, pour plenty of lovely beer and make plenty of lovely money, we also got to make some new friendships. Every now and then it happens – you just meet people who not only GET what it is that you’re doing, but they are more than happy to let you know how they feel. For all the hard work it takes to run a good place well, it’s nice to hear it every now and then.

Glenn and Cara are regulars at the restaurant and last night they brought James and Alison (over from England on holidays) for a dining treat. From the extensive beer list, to the revelation that we had another twenty or so beers ‘off-list’ in the cellar to the chef/owner regaling them with his awful English accent and the excellent meals, I think they had a ball.

As the intention was to try as many Australian beers as he could while he was over here, I promised James I would post a bit of a list of ‘must try’ craft beers. They are in Melbourne until Wednesday and then in Sydney for four days until flying home so I will list as many pints and paces as I can think of quickly. I’m sure my readers will use the comments section to fill in any gaps that I leave. Here goes.

Places.

You absolutely, positively, beer-a-tastically have to get out to St Kilda East to The Local Taphouse for a quiet ale/lager/wheat beer/specialty brew or four. See the link on the right hand side of the blog for their details. If you have time, a trip out to Coldstream Brewery will cover off your fresh beer, cider and Morris dancing requirements and they serve a decent meal as well. If you find yourself closer to the city, pop into Beer Deluxe and ask for Barney. He’ll hook you up with some really nice craft beers and the atmosphere there is great. Transport (on the other side of Federation Square) is also worth a look for the range alone.

Pints.

Mountain Goat (Richmond – but probably not in the time-frame) or Bridge Road Brewers (they had the Chestnut Lager last night) will give you a great taste of the Australian take on craft beer while any of the Holgate’s offerings will reveal an Australian take on some English classics. It’s really hard to recommend any without leaving out as many as I can include but judging by what you liked last night, you won’t go wrong with Red Hill (Wheat or Golden ale), Matilda Bay Redback, Fat Yak or Bohemian Pilsner and Hawthorn or Kooinda Pale Ales.

I might leave the list there as, even though James is ex-Navy and showed a fair beer-capacity I don’t want to turn the list into a dare!

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Australia Day Wrap

So, how was your Australia Day?



Mine was lovely.



Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Peace & Joy & Beer

I think I’ve shared these sentiments in this blog in years gone by, but they just keep coming back into my head. Therefore they are either very persistent and shall be repeated here, or they are still very relevant and shall be repeated here. And here goes.

No matter whether you are Christian or Calathumpian, Muslim or Mormon, Buddhist or “It’s All Bullshit” – Christmas is a special time. And that goes double if you have kids. There is just a certain something in the air if you choose to sniff it and if you can divorce your senses from the chaotic swirl of consumerism, confusion and fat Mums stuffing their faces (and those of their fat kids) with donuts and hamburgers in the shopping centres – it’s actually a very joyous and peaceful time.

Working for as long as I have in restaurants, this time of year has a frenetic pulse, a seemingly discordant symphonic pace and yet underlying it is a ‘buzz’ of better things. People coming from all parts to share – company, food, beer, laughs – and we get a ringside seat. Watching guests arrive. Nervously looking for their group, stuttering as they weigh up where to sit (Next to the boss? Not too far away from the boss? My partner doesn’t know anyone) Almost apologetically ordering their first drinks. Introducing the partner to the work people. Personal and public lives start to race towards collision.

And then something funny happens.

Christmas kicks in and everyone begins to relax. Work is forgotten for a few hours, family is forgotten and suddenly that bloke from accounts who you all thought was a bit of a knob-end actually seems – what’s the word for it? Human? And Mrs Frontbottom, the craggy-faced, hard-arsed bitch from the front office is actually smiling. Someone take a photo. As the entrees are cleared and the mains are served, you can almost hear the tensions unbuttoning. Sometimes it’s the boss who is ‘holding court’, enthralling the crew with war stories of Global Financial Crises past and tales of working in the factory in pre OH&S days when a ‘ladder’ was any collection of assembled objects that got you to the top shelf and a missing finger was a mark of honour and good source of a nickname.

Sometimes it’s the quiet bloke from the warehouse who takes centre-stage with a ripping send-up of the boss and his idiosyncrasies. Until now, no one else in the business knew he even spoke English. Everyone is laughing and everyone is equal – especially the boss who is both the target and the bloke who will be footing the tab. But it’s Christmas and everything is Festive-coloured. They can’t help themselves, Christmas is making them relax. Maybe they all ‘Road-Raged’ in the car on the way to the restaurant and maybe they cursed and pissed and moaned and kicked the cat that they had to give up a night to go out with work people – but they can’t help themselves now, the Christmas spirit has them firmly by the festive chestnuts.

And so to my Christmas Wish. To all who have read my blog, to those with whom I have shared a real beer and those with whom our beers have been virtual, to everyone who has listened and shared and commented and criticised – Thank You. I will raise a frothy glass to each and every one of you on Christmas day and genuinely drink to your health and happiness. Because that’s what beer is all about. Making the world a better place.

I hope you can all be like the guests I just described. I hope you can see past the wrapping paper and the 50% Off sale signs, past the dickheads and the doomsdayers, the alarmists and the nay-sayers and just enjoy the moment, even if it’s just for a little while. For what it’s worth, I find that sharing a nice special beer with friends helps the process along.
God Bless and Good Beer,

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

P.S. Disrespecting beer makes baby Jesus cry.

Beer Bones

Flicking through this months’ Beer Advocate magazine I smiled as I read that beer is the latest wonder food in warding off a disease. This time around osteoporosis is in its frothy sights as new research shows that moderate beer intake can help to protect against weakening of the bones.

And in further good news, beer comes out ahead of wine – again – which was found wanting in preventing brittle bones. It seems that the high levels of silicon found in beer (who knew?!) not only protect against bone breakage, it also helps to boost new bone formation. Magic!!

The study involved 1,700 women with an average age of 48 and found that women who drank beer had stronger bones than those who didn’t. Ultrasound scans of the women’s hands revealed a denser bone structure than those of the non beer drinkers. And, girls, you don’t need to go out and grab slabs of the amber medicine, either, as the tests revealed that there was no difference in the results of those who drank less than a pint a day to those who drank more. Even a little is a lot!

That’s worth raising a glass to, isn’t it? As is the fact that I get to use another of my Sexy Scientist Series!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

You know what I think of research

Regular readers are probably more than familiar with my general attitude towards most scientific research, but this piece brought a smile to my beer-drinking apparatus. The Brother-in-law works at a venerable Victorian place of special high learning and sent me some interesting lab based tid-bits.

Haven’t we all, at one time or another, sat with a nice beer and pondered the following; “Would it be better to be smashed over the bonce with a full glass bottle – or an empty one?” Wonder no more, Beer Blokes and Blokettes!

From the opening line which boldly states;

“Beer bottles are often used in physical disputes. If the bottles break they may give rise to sharp trauma. However, if they remain intact they may cause blunt injuries”,

You just know these guys are fairly serious about their craft. And they don’t miss a thing! They went on to conduct a series of drop tests to determine the force required to break both a full and empty 500ml glass beer bottle versus the force required to break the human skull.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking; “But Professor (Pilsner, not Skullsmasher), surely the impact zone of the bottle, the variable nature of the wall thickness and bottle curvature and its relationship to expected stability have direct implications on the results?”

Well, of course! But don’t worry, these Bar-Fight Poindexters have considered all of this – AND MORE!! What about the fact that beer is an almost uncompressible liquid? Huh? Thought of that too, didn’t they! And the fact that beer is a carbonated liquid and that any impact is likely to cause the bottle to explode if it’s full, thus rendering it a less effective Head Hitter. They thought of that, too.

I can sense that this is all getting a bit too exciting so I will cut to the Money Shot. The team from the University of Bern in Switzerland came up with the following formula and conclusion;

E = (Mn / (Mt + Mn)) x W

where E is the Energy (of course!), Mn is the Mass of the bottle and Mt is the Mass of the body part swinging the bottle i.e, the arm or the shoulder (which can be assumed to weigh 2.4 to 4 kg) and W is the work performed by the muscle.

So how did you do? The team found that through electrohydraulic experiments using human skulls (don’t ask) neurocranial fractures occurred between 14.1 and 68.5J3. Now, as empty and full glass bottles were found to break at forces of 30-40J, respectively, it is clear that both are capable of cracking the thinner parts of the human brain-holder. In addition, empty bottles were sturdier than full ones and took less energy to raise and swing. But I think we all knew that, didn’t we?

They did concede, in the last line of the conclusion that further research was recommended to assess the overall danger of bottle related head trauma. Good for them and I wish them luck!

Next week in ‘Beer and Science’ Beer Blokes will look at the age old question – Does a gutful of lager really make people of the opposite sex better looking?’ No, seriously, Chris sent me some research papers on that as well!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Beer Blokes NRL Grand Final review

Melbourne Storm (4th) vs Parramatta Eels (8th)
Clear blue skies, top temperature of around 17c, light winds.

3 Trial games, 26 Home & Away games, 2 Finals Matches and it all comes down to this one day. Eighty minutes of determination, concentration and, for the winners, a lifetime of jubilation.

Pre-game preparation and the warm-up.

They say that the key to a good finish is good preparation and this is no more evident than in the case of a Grand Final. You need to be focussed on your goal and committed to doing whatever it takes. Don’t change a preparation that has worked for you up till now and most importantly, “Don’t leave anything in the tank when the final siren sounds”.

So I went with a James Squire Pilsner. Tried and true, a great example of the style and locally brewed. The original James Squire had a hotel and brewery in Parramatta so I figured his would be an appropriate nod to history.

First Half.

Another James Squire Pilsner. If it’s working for you, don’t change the game plan. At the five minute mark Melbourne break the line to put first points on the board. I celebrate with restraint – it’s early – and go with a Matilda Bay Fat Yak as I had planned.

24 minute mark and Cooper Cronk throws a terrific dummy to break the line and put Adam Blair away for Melbourne’s second try. Professor Pilsner opens the fridge for his second Fat Yak. The Storm look like they may make the Prof pay for his pre-game promise to toast each try with a fresh beer.

Half time.

The Storm waste a few scoring opportunities and Parramatta’s lack of big stage experience and Melbourne’s pressure sees the Storm go to the half time break 10 -0 up. The Prof breathes a sigh of relief and enjoys a Bridge Road Pale Ale.

Second Half.

45th minute. Parra get themselves on the scoreboard with a try to Eric Goethe Jnr to make the difference just 4 points. No beer there. 4 minutes later and Greg Inglis takes a high bomb uncontested and strolls under the dot to score. To celebrate such a no-fuss, consistent and pack-leading team effort, a Mountain Goat Pale Ale makes its first appearance. 16-6.

6 minutes later ... Billy Slater latches onto a perfectly executed Adam Blair offload to score the Storms’ fourth try and with a reputation for taking a big lead and then going right on with the business, The Prof is starting to worry that he won’t see the end of this contest. 22-6.

70th minute, ten minutes to go ... Parramatta score twice in consecutive sets to put the frighteners up both the Storm and the Prof and narrow the gap to just 6 points with five minutes to play.

76th minute. Another Mountain Goat Pale fills the glass as Greg Inglis slots a wobbly field goal to take the score to 23-16 to secure the clubs’ third premiership in just a twelve year history. As Channel Nong shows a total lack of common sense and respect for its viewers and cuts to the news as the siren sounds, I am forced to crack a celebratory Little Creatures Pale Ale, close my eyes and imagine seeing the trophy being handed to Melbourne captain, Cam Smith.

The empties are removed from The Stadium and The Prof retires, happy, proud and just a little bit wobbly but looking forward to next season already. Well done Melbourne. Premiers 2009.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Plenty of US vs THEM

Here I am, sitting at home, beer in hand waiting for 5.30 and the NRL Grand Final to begin. My Melbourne Storm has achieved the rare feat of contesting their fourth decider in as many years and I will have to watch it all from a thousand k’s away.

In 2006 we were very unlucky to lose the big one to the Brisbane Broncos, the following year we gave the ‘Silvertails’ from Manly a good ol’ Victorian hiding only to follow up last year with a forgettable effort against he same team. In those three years we received an element of support from Sydneysiders who hated Brisbane and detested Manly and Sydney wasn’t too bad a place to hang out for the weekend. This year is very, very different.

The Parramatta Eels represent the western suburbs of Sydney, a Rugby League heartland and home to more Rugby League shops per square kilometre than anywhere else on earth. It is where we usually stay when we go north for the Grand Final and it is one of the few places I have found in Sydney that embraces the week leading up to the games’ showpiece. It’s the only place outside the stadium itself that flies team flags, hangs team posters in shop windows and hangs team scarves from its’ cars windows. Even when Parra are not playing. But this year, they are.

And all of a sudden everything is all about us versus them. Sydney has finally shown some spirit and some interest in a game that they claim to be their own. 74,000 fans turned out to see the Eels fight for a spot in the GF against traditional Sydney rivals, the Bulldogs, which made all Victorian sport supporters wonder – where were you all every other game of every other year for the past ten? Crowds of six, seven and as many as 11,000 would regularly trudge through the turnstiles at traditional suburban venues and state-of-the-art modern stadia alike, but if the weather was a bit iffy, the team lost the previous week or there was something decent on the telly, it was not unusual to see that crowd figure halved. Fair weather friends are no help to the team.

So now, Sydney has a team to support – and another to hate. Radio, net forums, newspapers and bars across Sydney and suburbs are abuzz with vitriolic talk of ‘those bastard Mexicans’ these infiltrators from the South who have had the bare-faced cheek to pinch two of our trophies in the short history of their club and who have the audacity to seek to pinch another this afternoon. Insults have been traded, word games played by players and officials of Parramatta and commentators and past greats of the game have had their say.

But, as any Victorian sport fan knows, there are only two places for talk. One is on the field of battle when the whistle blows and all arguments are settled. The other is on the podium after the final siren when you hold the trophy aloft, congratulate your team and commiserate the losers. And then, maybe a third – over a shared beer late in the day. And into Monday. And maybe some more on Tuesday. And a quiet one on Wednesday. And then ....

Good Luck Stormers. I will ride every bump, hit every gap, share every hit-up and celebrate every try with you from my couch. And I’ll do my best to go beer-for-beer with you as well.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

I'll have a beer please

Saturday night, freezing cold weather, restaurant as full as a state school hat-rack and the phone still ringing at seven o’clock with late diners hoping to sneak in. All we need now is beer.

I am always scanning the bookings list during the week to see if I can recognise any regulars, especially those who enjoy their beer. When I know these folk are coming in I know it will give me a great opportunity to showcase the 70 odd listed beers that we stock all year round
as well as the chance to treat them with something ‘off-list’ from the cellar or spoil them by getting something extra special for them. The other bonus is that if they don’t want it – I get it!

This night we had two tables in the dining room who were beer nuts of a pretty high order as well as a few other diners scattered throughout who were hoping to try something a bit different. Because we had hosted our Beer Dinner the night before, I had been out to Purvis Cellars for some stock so I had a bit of a stash of ‘specials’ in the cellar.

Both these tables are restaurant regulars and beer nuts but were unable to get to the beer dinner. So we proceeded to do something of a “I can’t believe it’s not a beer dinner, beer dinner” of our own. The younger blokes on a table of eight were more your international lager drinkers with a few different styles thrown in while the older party of four have pretty much got to the stage where they tell me what they are going to order foodwise and I just keep matching beers coming their way.

Working from a starting point of lighter flavoured styles through to a series of really full flavoured limited release ales was a real challenge – especially as I still had to look after the restaurant, restock, take bookings, deliver desserts .... not drink any beers.

From Kronenburg to Budvar, from Fat Yak and Barons ESB to Young’s Christmas Pudding Ale and Redoak Christmas Cheer, Innis & Gunn (half a slab between the two tables!) and Cascade First Harvest to Grimbergen Blond and Floris Fraise strawberry beer it was a beery feast fit for a king, a queen and a truckload of knaves.

Big HI and thanks to Rod and Barb who were back again last week with Rob and Jo and who cleaned out the rest of the Specials Cellar. It’s a good excuse for me to get out to Cloudwine and Purvis this week to restock. Love the shopping bit!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Cop That!

I have often spoken about how my enjoyment of a beer – any beer – can be enhanced by the situation or the occasion that I find myself in. This is a cracker. Sipping a nice refreshing Bridge Road Pale Ale I laughed and laughed as I read the paper. The beer somehow just tasted – better.

I was brought up with a strong belief that you always do the right thing – sense of social justice if you will - and that you do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do. Still think that way and Mrs Pilsner and I are teaching our girls to think the same. But, sadly, many couldn’t give a fat rat’s clacker about anybody or anything but themselves. It is to one of these groups that Beer Blokes raises a glass now and says; “Cheers! Cop that!!”

The federal government recently launched a series of ‘stimulus packages’ to help the Australian economy. These were a number of cash handouts to many regular people (including some overseas visitors, exchange students and more than a few dead people) payable in a lump sum of up to $900 for individuals and $2800 for families. There was only one stipulation – you had to file a tax return.

Here’s where it gets good. There is a group out there in Australian society who try to avoid their social responsibility to others by refusing to lodge a tax return. This way they can avoid such annoyances as child support payments, spousal maintenance and deductions to their welfare benefits. But sometimes greed, coupled with base stupidity means a win for the good guys.

Many of these deadbeat mums and dads – 21,327 of them actually - were busted big-time when they couldn’t file their tax missing tax returns quick enough so as to scoop up a piece of my hard earned taxpayer dollars. Their tax returns enabled the Department of Human Services to recoup 23.5 million dollars in child support.

That’s worth another beer.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Some good beer blokes

Every now and then you get the opportunity to make a difference to the lives of some very needy and deserving people. And then, on other special occasions, you get to enrich the lives of those less fortunate. Then here are nights like last night where you just get to talk shit and beer with some really good blokes in a restaurant.

John, Rob and Geoff had booked a table for a ‘business meeting’ at the restaurant that I manage. See Beer Dinner post. I think they may have mentioned business a couple of times which will probably justify the expense claim to the desk-jockey over in accounts but, for all intents and purposes, they were having a very good social evening.

Rob is a Queenslander who was down from Queensland, John is a Melbournian who was born in FNQ* and Geoff is a local who is originally from New Zealand. Sounds like the start of a bar joke. And on that count, these boys would have fit right in.

From the start I knew we were in for a good night when Rob asked me to suggest a beer for him. I love this one, where some fear it. I asked him what he usually drank; “Crown Lager”, he offered. “Sorry, I meant what BEER do you normally drink”, I replied. TISH!! BOOM!! He was rapped to hear that we had around 70 beers available but also a little daunted to be jumping out of his mainstream lager comfort zone and into a veritable rainforest of choice.

Geoff was on the light beers as he was driving so the responsibility of getting his mate to drink some new and interesting beers naturally fell to him. A Grand Ridge Brewers Pilsner (a local Gippsland offering from a long standing craft beer survivor) started him on his new journey. We had our first winner.

John and Geoff were throwing suggestions at Rob and he settled on a Hoegaarden wit which I think he was surprised to enjoy as much as he did. We were two from two and Rob wasn’t slowing down. In fact he enjoyed the Hoegaarden so much he had another. Matched nicely with the entree as well. The boys then talked him into a Monteith’s Radler ad they asked me for my opinion. As you know from reading this rabble, I rarely ‘bag’ a beer (Carlton Cold and Corona don’t count – only just beers) but on this occasion I explained to the boys that I couldn’t recommend this one.

I recounted how Monteith’s parent company had recently taken expensive legal action against a small brewer for using the term ‘Radler’. Like you can claim copyright over the German word for cyclist! Bastards!! Undeterred by my moral stand and my repeated warnings of Beer Karma the boys got their beer. And you know what? Beer Karma is a bitch. Each had a sip, turned up their noses, had another sniff of the beer as if to make sure it wasn’t the beer, confirmed it WAS the beer, turned up their noses again, left the beer on the table and asked me to bring them whatever beer I WANTED TO BRING THEM from then on.

A Cascade First Harvest was chased by a Belgian Strawberry beer and three very satisfied guests were the last ones out as the night drew to a close. Some new experiences were had, some lessons learned and beer-friendships made. John made a booking for Saturday night as he left and I suspect I might be seeing more of Geoff as we discovered we share the same little corner of one of Victoria’s nicest holiday regions – holiday houses on adjoining roads, no less.

Another example of the Beer Blokes making the world a better place – one beer at a time!

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

*FNQ is Queensland shorthand for Far North Queensland. XXXX is Queensland shorthand for beer flavoured fizzy drink.

Pink’s Drink Think

"Ha! Ha! Beer Blokes just did another "TWATTER" post!!"

Rock chick Pink is over here in Australia at the moment presenting 768 sold out concerts – or something - and is getting plenty of publicity. From turning up at hospital children’s wards and various charity events to appearances on every channel every night, the girl is working hard for her money.

One thing I didn’t know about Pink (apart from her real name, where she got her start, any of her songs ...) was that she was a beer drinker. And guess what? I have Twatter to thank for that! Indirectly, of course, I don’t do Twatter as you know. No, I found out through a little piece in the gossip-y section of the paper yesterday. Which I also don’t usually read. But the heading caught my eagle-eye; ‘TOOHEY’S “PHOOEY” – PINK’

Turns out that during her tour Pink has been “expanding her knowledge of Australian beer”. The singer tweeterered on her Twatter site that she; “had briefly ventuered away from her favourite brew, VB”

“OK so I tried the Toohey’s beer. Like VB better,” she wrote.

That’s a bit like saying that a child has ‘expanded his knowledge of advanced mathematics because he can now count to two’. But I don’t want you to get the impression that Pink is a one dimensional drinker. She has also shared her love of Australian wine;

“Now I’m getting to know a ’94 Henschke Hill of Grace. Lovely.”

Lovely? Lovely??! That stuff is a very sought after and limited edition beauty not too many rungs below a Penfold’s Grange and varies between $600 and $800 a bottle for the 94. I hope her legions of fans didn’t head straight down to the drive through bottleshop at the local pub and ask for a six-pack!

Now that would be worth a Tweet!

Cheers
Prof Pilsner