Naughty glasses in Brisbane

Just saw over at Beer Matt’s blog where the powers-that-be in Queensland are looking at banning glasses in pubs as a result of people being attacked. Presumably by glasses. I wrote here back in March last year when sections of the Melbourne media were pushing the same issue. That is, looking at things arse-about.

Why ban glasses? I’ve been to plenty of places that serve beer and never once have I been tapped on the shoulder by a snarling pot or schooner saying; “Ay yoo Jimmy, wanna fight?!” I have, however, been annoyed by a pissed idiot looking for trouble because, well, he’s a pissed idiot. I’m guessing he didn’t turn up at the venue like that, though. Seems to me the solution to a simple problem is usually, well ... simple.

Don’t let the idiots get pissed. Now, because idiots don’t usually wear a label stating that they are an idiot (although wearing sunglasses at night, T-Shirts with rude words on them and Collingwood football jumpers are a bit of a pointer) assume that everyone has the potential to turn wayward. Serve them beers, in glasses, and keep an eye on them. Have the venue manager do the same and wander through the venue like a proper manager would.

If someone starts to get a bit silly, give them a bit of ‘stink-eye’ and let them and their mates know you are watching them. If necessary, ask them quietly to settle things down a tad. Most will take the hint and settle things down without fuss. But, the longer you let them go, the more difficult it is to rein them in. You don’t need to be a prick about it to get the message across – just be quick and consistent. If the Noddies turn into beer-fuelled dickheads, then you cut them off. If their mates try to buy for them, cut them off as well.

Don’t punish the good beer people who are having a good night out and are respecting the beer. That’s not fair.

Check out Matt’s piece here.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

I don’t want to say I told you so ...

But, I told you so. Maybe I should be in government? Maybe I could become one of these highly paid ‘consultants’ who get mega bucks for bugger all. From my memory of schoolboy Latin, ‘consultant’ roughly translates as; ‘Tell me your answer and I’ll re-word it for you and that’ll be a wad of cash that would choke a camel thanks very much’.

Besides, I think I’m too honest for government. And I drink too much. Hang on, that’s a pre-requisite, isn’t it? Or at least it should be. Someone was certainly knocking back a couple of pints when they came up with the idea of a two am lock out of the ‘drinking zones’ of the city and inner suburbs of Melbourne a few months back. It was sometime back in July when I recall bagging the plan as unworkable, unbackable and unpopular and subject to one fatal error. No nighhtclub pub or restaurant who requested an exemption from this folly got rejected. It don’t work AND you don’t have to play anyway.

I suggested that a better method of deterring pissed idiots was to deploy more Mr Plods in and around the trouble spots and to reintroduce the ‘drunk tanks’ of old where blokes and blokettes who were not getting the message on responsible consumption of alcohol could be sent to cool off and sober up rather than assuming that they would make their own way home safely without starting a blue or ripping out a ‘Haley’s Comet’ in the train or taxi on route.

I picked up the paper after returning from holiday to see that (shock horror!!) “we have decided that, instead of a lock out policy, we will put more police on the streets and also provide special rooms with food and water available to those who have overindulged” said Government spokesperson for The Department of making Stupid Decisions and then Reversing them Once we Put our Brains into Gear, Mr B. Leedingobvious.

Beer Blokes, making the streets safer, one beer at a time.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Probably just a coincidence

Radio news in Melbourne this morning led with the story of the Victorian State Premier going on a ride-along with Police patrols in the wee small hours of the morning on Saturday night to view the alcohol related trouble caused by binge drinking.

The purpose of the trip was not, as you might expect, to show support for the ever decreasing and increasingly stressed police force, but to gather evidence before making a decision on the 2am ‘lockout’ legislation. As I have discussed in these pages recently, this lockout, which was designed to stop anti-social booze-fuelled mayhem, was so cock-eyed and poorly planned that not only did it not work, but even had it done so, nearly every ‘at risk’ business which applied for an exemption, got one.

So no one, except maybe the Premier himself, could really understand what he expected to see and how this would alter his thinking. “Hmmm, let’s see. I am looking at how a law that doesn’t do anything, implemented and enforced by no one and punishable by nothing, is working – even though you don’t have to abide by it – and I will observe any changes in the behaviour of pissed idiots as a result of changing nothing in order to determine if I will continue the plan into the future.”

The news reported that Mr Brumby went on a ‘fact finding tour in the early hours ... to determine the future of 2am lockouts” ... (he) “looked on as drunks were arrested, and he revealed serious concerns ... about the price society was paying for policing the intoxicated”. Ahhh!! Now there is a funny little thing! POLICING THE INTOXICATED!! Maybe instead of nanny-ing the many, the Government might think about ENFORCING THE LAW on the few who transgress!!??

But this would be the same mob who recently oversaw the down sizing of the force and its capacity to remove trouble makers from the streets as evidenced by the figures which show that 11 pissed idiots were arrested a couple of weekends ago, and 10 the weekend before. Compare that with 80 pissed idiots that were arrested and removed from the public domain on an average weekend last year!! Add to this that there are now two stations taking in these pissed idiots and around five that are not doing it anymore. Hmmm? Influencing your thinking, Premier?

And on to the newspaper. Let’s see, page three – no boobies, sorry, but a report which headlines; “POLICE QUIT AS MORALE SINKS” It seems that nearly 450 police members have quit or retired in the past 18 months as a result of dissatisfaction with the force. Of these men and women, 299 had been in the job for more than 10 years and 146 had more than 30 years behind the bell. That’s a lot of experience lost through members who are not even near the end of their foreseeable career length. A recent survey saw 3459 members respond and showed that two in three officers had considered quitting in the past year, citing lack of resources, stress and low force morale.

Mr Brumby might rethink his bullshit plan to control the evil grog, or he might just consider giving the streets back to the people who have traditionally provided the deterrent, the defusing and the solution to most of the social issues revolving around drinking irresponsibly.

The Premier goes for a ride to see what anybody could have told him was there while the very people who can solve the problem are being asked to sit back while he develops a plan that they will be asked to control and which will see them stretched to do – even if the plan WOULD work!

As I said, it’s probably just a coincidence.

Oh, just to clarify an error in last weeks bit on the alcopop tax - the figure the Federal Govt is sitting on is not 3 million, but 3 HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS -MOO Ha Ha!!!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Staggering research

Staggering research is under way to try to stop drunks falling victim to violence. This is the first line of a piece featuring in the Melbourne Herald Sun and it had me thinking that the ‘staggering’ referred to the enormity of the research or the massive cost of the research or the humungous intellect of the eminent scientists conducting the study. But, no, it is a bit of research looking at staggering. As in the wobbly walk conducted by people when they have been out on a lager frenzy.

This piece of research was conduced by a Welsh team (I can’t help thinking of Daffyd from ‘Little Britain’ in a white vinyl lab coat with the arse cheeks cut out) to produce a mathematical model that they hope will cut down alcohol related harm that drunks tend to bring on themselves.

Maths and being pissed? Hmmm. The best bit of this piece was not the fact that someone thought it necessary to calculate the probability of a pissed idiot walking into either a lamp post, another pissed idiot or his own shadow, but the unexpected facts that they uncovered.

First, temperatures of -6C and torrential rain at 3am were said to contribute to the difficulty of data collection. Fair enough, though not surprising for Wales at that time of year? Funnier still was the quote from the leader of the research operation, Dr Simon Moore who said, “The biggest problem with surveying drunks is that alcohol seems to make some people think they are the funniest people on earth.” And funnier still, ... “and that we, the surveyors, would be very interested in hearing all their really interesting stories.”

Researchers also fond that the drunker people were, the more willing they were to take part in the survey! A lesson there for telemarketers, Jehovah’s Witnesses and those people who stop you to ask market research questions about washing powder at shopping centres when you’ve got fourteen shopping bags, three kids and a deadline hanging off you.

The sober people were, not surprisingly, more interested in getting to the pub!

And the results? Well, strap yourselves in blokes, this is groundbreaking stuff! A blood alcohol reading of .22% was the point at which the ‘staggers’ set in. Good. Around 25% of those surveyed had found their way to this level. It found that sober pedestrians moved in an orderly ‘follow the leader’ pattern where pissed idiots movements were, wait for it, “more unpredictable” !!!!

Further, when 20% of the foot traffic was pissed idiots the flow was slowed by 9%. When EVERYBODY in the crowd was stonkered the traffic slowed by an ‘irritating’ 38%. But I guess if they were all pissed, nobody would notic. At least I’m sure nobody was able to get out a calculator and determine whether they were above or below industry standards.

They could have saved themselves, and us, a lot of time by A) Not stating the obvious, B) Staying indoors and looking out at pissed idiots, C) Making up all the numbers and percentages, we still would have been impressed and D) Suggesting that the best way to prevent injury to pissed idiots was to make all the lampposts, dustbins and footpaths out of the stuff they make Nerf balls from.

Staggering research

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

New ‘Magic Pissed Idiot Detectors’ introduced

The Victorian State government has been busy lately in its quest to rid the streets of booze-fuelled mayhem. You may recall my post outlining the marvellous 2am lockout program which was designed to avoid the real social problems of irresponsible drinking by drafting a set of ridiculous guidelines which venues were generally exempt from following if they asked nicely not to. Well, the booze boffins have come up with an even better system to reduce the chances of drunks getting up to mischief.

Details are sketchy at this stage but it seems that some sort of ‘pissed idiot’ detector has been developed. The news story this morning reports that police “will be given the power to ban drunks ... from nightclub districts for up to one year under new tough-on-crime laws”. Now, it’s fairly simple to detect seriously pissed idiot from a distance, but how do you then ‘re-detect’ him or her over the next twelve months? Why, with some kind of hi-tech PI detector!

“To control unruly party-goers or law breakers ... Director of Liquor Licensing ... can declare that individuals be subject to bans of between 24 hours and a year”. So, we are going to see either a wall of police and security permanently positioned around the ‘nightclub districts’ in three regional areas and three inner suburban areas or, police will have access to detectors of some kind to determine the identity of previous offenders once they are caught.

Would’ve thought a good old fashioned ‘talking to’ by a burly walloper in blue would achieve better results much more efficiently and economically. A seasoned copper can spot trouble a mile off and a good seasoned copper can deflect trouble with a stern glare or a stern word or a stern phone-booking ... oops, we don’t go there no more, but, you get the drift? Most idiots play up because there is no apparent disincentive and no clear visible presence of punishment.

Instead of investing in Pissed Idiot Detection Technology let’s just get on with some community protection from the people we USED to entrust this job to. Until the do-gooding civil libertarians and incompetent government ministers took over the joint.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner