No Fun Fundraising

It’s been a while since I had a rational and calmly thought out crack at some do-gooding wowser group who are up-in-arms and whining like a Falcon diff about the evils of drink or some other perfectly legal activity because it is abused by a small dickheaded minority.

So here goes.

The latest ‘Committee for trying Hard to Justify their Government Funding’ is the Australian National Council on Drugs (and think about how ironic THAT is – I’m sure they’re not really ON drugs) has written to every school principal in the country asking them to “reconsider the sale, use and promotion of alcohol products when raising money”.

Why, I hear you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. Because using alcohol to raise funds is using our kids as “couriers” for advertising materials and forms and payments for alcohol. Couriers? Now, I get accused from time to time of being a bit ‘rednecked’ when I use inflammatory language, but ‘COURIERS’?!? We ask them to bring home newsletters, raffle tickets and ‘Creature/Teacher’ interview forms, not stuff boogie board bags with gunga or pack their cracks with dingers full of heroin.

I’ll tell you something for nothing – it’s all you can do to get the kids to deliver the school mail, let alone read the stuff! But even if they did, kids are not brain-dead sponges who are going to take up binge-drinking because Mum and Dad have been invited to the school Trivia Night and are allowed to bring a drink. Is my preppy a wound spring just waiting for the signal to skoll a six-pack of Bourbon & Cola before going to the railway station to throw haymakers at bogans because the School Council has arranged a wine tasting?

Am I missing something here?

Where does it end? If we are bad parents for allowing alcohol to influence the coffers of the school treasury what else can we do? Can we sell chocolates to raise money? Nup. Fat kids. How about raffle tickets? Nup. Short step from ‘3 tickets for $5’ to ‘Honey I Blew The Grocery Money On A Sure Thing at The TAB’. What about hot cross buns? Don’t upset the Muslims. Or the fat kids.

My kids are also asked to bring home all sorts of other non-fundraising information as well. Should I be protecting them for the evils that lurk within? Last week we got a flyer for Grasshopper Soccer and Auskick. I best be alert to the probability that my little ones will be overtaken by the sudden urge to light flares and chant racist epithets or post nudie photos of AFL footballers on Farcebook.

Sometimes they bring home Government sponsored propaganda about tolerance and about alternative lifestyles. Should I be a little bit worried that my girls will suddenly start wearing dungarees and listening to Melissa Etheridge CDs?!

There are two issues I have with this fruitless and no doubt very expensive exercise by the ANCD; First, it wishes to impose on us an environment in which it is deemed evil to associate any mention of alcohol within the boundaries of school fundraising and thus demonise a legal and socially acceptable element of modern human society.

Second, it ignores a very important factor. That school is not a service that operates in isolation from that very same society. School, for most parents, is seen as a partnership. It serves to educate and enable our most precious resources within a safe and secure environment in association with the children’s family. Both teacher and parent have an essential role to play in the child’s education. We as parents can communicate with our kids and teach them about all sorts of things. We dissect issues that arise from classroom discussions or TV news reports or pick over issues we feel are important. We can all make a difference.

And on that note, I’ll finish this ‘rant’. I felt I had to say something. Let’s attack the problem from the angle of the minority who can’t engage in a meaningful dialogue with their kids and who don’t care if they start drinking at ten years old. But leave the rest of us to live our lives productively and quietly and as a community.

That’s just my opinion and I guess what one person thinks won’t change a thing. But how’s this? The two year investigation that the Australian National Council on Drugs conducted in conjunction with the Australian Secondary Principals Association in order to produce a letter to every school in the country as well as a guideline booklet titled ‘School Fundraising and Alcohol’ ... was prompted by a single letter from one parent.

And, in the words of that great 20^th century philosopher, Forrest Gump; “That’s all I got to say about that.”

Cheers

Prof Pilsner

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/health/8218284/warning-on-alcohol-in-school-fundraising

http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/breaking-news/warning-on-alcohol-in-school-fundraising/story-e6freuyi-1226014443425

Lame-bic decision

Further to yesterday’s post regarding the imbecility factor of Victoria’s ‘One Slap Fits All’ liquor licensing policy comes this next one.

I received an e-mail last week which reminded me of a new tax law amendment that came into effect last year. I didn’t write about it then because I really didn’t think it was ‘real’, that is to say that I assumed it was a glitch in the system and one whose folly would soon be spotted and the law changed.

But, alas, no.

First, some background. You’ve probably heard of ‘alcopops’? Cheap and cheerful fizzy alcoholic mixed beverages that are so full of sickly sweet sugary goodness that only an unsophisticated palate would find them enticing. Like, for example, teenagers and the feeble-minded. And those for whom beer is just oh-so, like, you know, like ... umm ... beery?! Yuckky!

Alcopops have been developed with the simple premise of getting alcohol into the system of the drinker without them experiencing any sort of nasty alcohol taste. It’s just some generic alcohol flavoured spirit like vodka or gin or whatever mixed with sugar and water. Sweeten them up and they’ll swig it down. Too easy.

Some of you have probably heard of Lambic beers, a style popularised in particular by the Belgians fermented, at least in part, by wild yeasts and flavoured with fruits such as sour cherry or raspberry and distinctive in their dry, vinous, cidery and slightly sour aftertaste. A good example of a true limbic is a joy for the beer lover.

But they are certainly not for everyone. Like, for example, those described above.

And yet – here we go again, folks – some people seem to think that there is no difference between the two. Because lambics are brewed with an addition of beet or candy sugar to achieve the right mouthfeel, alcohol content and, let’s be honest here, so that they conform to accepted brewing standards to be true-to-style they are classified under the same heading as RTD’s.

These RTD’s (Ready To Drink – See? They even have to dumb down the category description) have been identified as one of the main culprits when it comes to underage and binge drinking as well as anti-social behaviour such as bashings, assaults and other assorted incarnations of late night violence.

But Lambics? Seriously. Made for sipping and quiet contemplation, they could never be mistaken for an RTD. Leif Ryan, founder of Phoenix beers and importer of many of my personal favourites like Weihenstephan is running a petition that will hopefully allow the government to see sense on this issue. That’s despite the fact that this tax definition anomaly has already been brought to their attention. And they’ve ignored the pleas of common sense.

More of the story is here.

Cheers
Prof Pilsner

Beer retailer put to the Sword

This blog has always tried to support the retail side of the craft beer scene – afterall, without retailers getting the product out there, it’s all a bit hard, really.
One of Melbourne’s best, and long serving outlets, Sword’s Select, recently had the following message on their website’s homepage;
We have been categorized as a high risk operator and consequently penalized with a risk fee of $4770 per location on top of our normal Liquor License fees purely because we open before 9am. Our packaged Liquor Licence fees have increased as follows;
• South Melbourne Market $1686.20 to $6360
• Queen Victoria Market $1686.20 to $6360
• Clifton Hill $249.90 to $1590
• Prahran Market $500 - $1590
Now, those who have been to The Queen Victoria Market or the South Melbourne Market will know that they are a vibrant and essential commercial and community hub. The ‘feel’, the hustle and bustle, what Darryl Kerrigan would describe as ‘The Vibe’ – it’s what drives the market.

If you have a stall at the market, you need to have the stall open when the market opens because, well, that’s when the people come in because, well, that’s when the produce comes in because, well, that’s when the boats and the tractors and the trucks and whatever else brings the produce come in – early.

And I’m not sure that Swords can really be seen as a threat to law and order and public safety and binge drinking because they open before nine in the a.m. does the Liquor Licensing Commission really think that potential pissed idiots are going to stagger into the market and load up on Weihenstephan Hefe Weissbier Dunkel at five bucks an each, or are old winos going to sneak in for an early opener of Beattie 06 Cabernet Sauvignon from the Yarra Valley at $239?!? Spare me!!

Support your local (or, as in my case, not-so-local) good beer retailer and let your local member know that we simply have to stop this habit of dumbing everything down to cater for the lowest common denominator.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

VB Raise A Glass Appeal 2010

Beer and Peace

A bit of a reference to the length and complexity of this post but it is something very close to my heart and I can’t just skim over it. Grab a beer, sit back and relax, and let me know what you reckon.

I’ve been thinking about the ‘two-sides-to-a-story’ factor surrounding the continuing argument surrounding binge-drinking and advertising’s role in its promotion.

This year’s VB “Raise A Glass” campaign has exceeded the total donated in last year’s inaugural campaign with $1,281,000 already in the kick. The 1.1 million raised last year came from a combination of direct website driven donations and a marketing promotion whereby $1 from specially branded slabs of VB was added to the total by Foster’s.

This year, as a result of some fairly negative publicity and the refusal of the Queensland branch of the RSL to participate last year, Foster’s moved to distance the fundraising from the notion that a commercial business can have a heart and still make a dollar and made a direct lump-sum donation to the appeal. And here is where it gets a little murky.

To give you a bit of background and the chance to make up your own mind here’s the story.

The Foster’s side;

A dollar from every slab of VB donated to RSL charities. (Changed this year to direct donation)

1500 kegs of VB donated to RSL clubs to sell and raise cash at ‘street level’. (Last year)

A series of six ads featuring returned servicemen ‘raising a glass’ to fallen mates.

A website designed to encourage current and ex-servicemen and their families to post stories about
the Australian experience in war over the last century.

A section on the website where donations can be made online.



The Against side; (with associated quotes and published arguments)

The association of a beer brand with the Raise a Glass appeal this year has raised the issue of binge drinking and its place in Australian culture on Anzac Day. (The Australian, April 2009)

"In recent years, Anzac day has morphed into an opportunity for young (and not-so young) people to get shit-faced and soppily nationalistic, which makes it an ideal target for a big beer company.

"VB's Raise a Glass campaign will no doubt find favour with anyone who thinks binge drinking is an appropriate part of remembering Australians who have served in wars, and it will raise plenty of useful funds for Legacy, but that doesn't make it ethical." (Trevor Cooke, Corporate Engagement Blog)

"People drink to excess because of exactly the message you're pushing on us. Loss, hurt, pain? Raise a glass! Raise another one! "We're giving you an excuse to keep going at it as well. And a warm, fuzzy feeling because a couple of bucks went to a charitable and decent organisation." ( Morgwn Shaw, Digital Art Science blog)

Victoria Bitter's latest marketing campaign — a tie-up with Defence Force charities — has come under fire for exploiting the Returned Services League brand to sell more beer. (The Age April 2009)

In shortened form, that’s the guts of the debate with the key elements of both side’s arguments outlined. The “NO” side contends that beer and ANZAC Day are poor bedfellows, that VB is ‘using’ the RSL to sell a product and that binge drinking is bad.

I can’t help thinking that this is another case of shooting the wrong messenger. I contend that we don’t have an alcohol problem as such – we have a dickhead problem. We have a problem with not enough parents prepared to show a good example to their kids nor to pull them into line when they stray from the guidelines of behaviour in a civilised society.

The argument that beer has no place in a commemoration of Australia’s most significant actions on the world stage rides a bit thin with me as well. Digital Art Science blog uses, among others the point that “Do veterans not struggle with alcohol abuse as they come to terms with the aftermath of their involvement in a conflict? Hasn’t anyone at VB/Legacy’s agency ever listened to Khe Sanh?”

Yeah they do, and I’m sure they have. Is it not OK to provide some money that might end up helping more than one or two of them, even if it means that a large chunk of the population (which doesn’t have a drinking problem) has to donate it? And if you’re going to quote classic Chisel, choose lyrics that help your argument – Khe Sahn references “Speed and Novacaine” not VB and more VB. Just sayin’, that’s all.

I reckon Defence Force chief General Peter Cosgrove sums it up pretty well in one of the ads when he says that he reckons Australian soldiers would hate to be thought of as anything but regular men and women despite having done a job for their country that was nothing short of extraordinary. I reckon they might also have appreciated a quiet beer at the appropriate time and that they might just have cut loose on leave at one time or another. Raise A Glass is as much about remembering them and taking the time to ‘share a beer’ with those no longer around. It certainly DOES NOT glorify war, nor does it encourage, promote or condone idiot drunken behaviour.

And some, on ANZAC Day might just down one too many with their remaining mates at a pub or an RSL (I had more than a few with some of them in Canberra last ANZAC Day) but I reckon they’ve earned it. Does the VB Raise a Glass appeal have a direct causal link to drunken dickhead binge-drinking and violent behaviour as some are suggesting? Hardly. That’s not to say we don’t have a problem – far from it – but let’s not try to solve one social problem by banning a totally and unrelated different social activity.

These are just my thoughts. It nice to think that the freedom to criticise something and the technological means to transmit these criticisms and my ability to pose a contrary position are all the result of the actions of people who went before us and gave up plenty to defend the principals of goodness against evilness.

Thank you to you all. I will ‘raise a glass’ in your memory. And not just on ANZAC Day.

Cheers
Prof Pilsner

2010-05-05

Australia’s Favourite Beer

It’s Australia Day and the papers are full of the usual blab about “change the flag”, “the national Anthem stinks”, and “has anybody heard of the bloke they named Australian of the year?”

Here at Beer Blokes I want to talk about much more pressing issues. I’m all very excited to see which Aussie beers score a mention in The Local Taphouse Top 100 craft beer poll this year (announced later today) and even more excited to see if any of my nominations rate in the top 10 and even, even more excited to see if my entry is the one randomly chosen to score a slab of each of the top 5.
But let’s talk about Australia’s favourite beer, VB, for a minute, shall we? What’s that, Prof, I hear you say, ‘have you gone mad or something and forsaken your craft beer roots?’ Well, no, thanks for asking, I’ll explain in a minute.

Up until the last few years (and for about twenty years before that) VB – the artist formerly known as Victoria Bitter – has made up around a quarter of all beer drunk in this wide, brown land. 1 in 4. That’s a fair chunk of a pretty large market and has seen VB become an iconic brand intrinsically linked to the culture through sporting sponsorships and plenty of advertising. When CUB was trying to drive Foster’s Lager back in the early 80’s it made it an international beer while VB became, arguably, Australia’s first truly ‘national brand’.

So, as I wrote late last year, it was amusing to see the furore created by some seemingly minor changes to this much loved brew among its biggest and most loyal fans. ‘Career VB Drinkers’ as they called themselves were falling over each other to have a crack at the Big House for daring to tinker with their cherished amber nectar. Letters to the editor pages were packed with Johnnos, Blueys, Knackers’s and Shags’s willing to renounce their ‘religion’ and threaten to switch brands because CUB had ‘changed the recipe’, ‘watered it down’ and even ‘switched the beer to XXXX’ as one melon-head claimed.

So, with a little research (very, very little) and a quick e-mail to (SOURCE PROTECTED) who was once a major powerbroker for CUB, then its Craft Brewing arm and now a partner in a very nice craft brewing set-up just south of the Queensland border where lots of backpackers and hippies hang out and whose initials are JC and whose name I won’t mention – I got about three full pages of facts and figures and links to the ATO website and tables and graphs and all sorts of shit. So I’m fairly confident that what I write here is accurate and factual and can’t be argued with in any way at all whatsoever so there.

I’ll save some space here and ‘dot-point’ the facts (which (SOURCE PROTECTED) assures me are all in the public domain if you know where to look) relating to VB.
As a quick refresher, ‘Career VB Drinkers’ claimed that VB had changed noticeably due to (a) CUB trying to save money in tax by lowering the ABV of the beer, (b) By brewing it in Queensland and (c) by altering the recipe.

The VB facts.
• VB, along with many national brands are brewed in breweries all around the country and have been since the walls came down on state based brewing in the mid 80’s.

• The law regarding beer brewing states that a beer has a ‘margin’ of +/- .02% so that a VB whose label states an ABV of 4.9% might be as high as 5.1% or as low as 4.7% - allowable by law. When VB changed first to 4.8% and then to 4.6% more recently, the Career VB Drinker could have been drinking anything from 5.0% to 4.4% - and NOT NOTICED. Until he read a paper past the sports section.

• When CUB drops the ABV by just .01%, it saves tens of millions of dollars in tax allowing it to compete in the beery duopoly that is Australian mainstream brewing.

So, in conclusion, a ‘Career VB Drinker could, for the last twenty years have been drinking VB that was;
• Brewed in Abbotsford, Kent (Sydney), Fortitude Valley (Brisbane), Yatala, Matilda Bay or even Cascade. Although today it is only brewed at Abbotsford and Yatala.

• Could have been anything from 5.1% to 4.4% ABV

• May have had any of about ten slightly different labels


I’ll leave it here for now so that you can digest all these facts and figures. I’m off to have a beer (not a VB) and you might want to do the same.
I will post a follow up with the various reasons for the changes that CUB has introduced and also to look at the various theories regarding why they have done it and what the future might hold. Also, as promised, I have some VBs in the fridge waiting for the lab experiment to see if I can detect any difference in taste.

Cheers and happy Australia Day,
Prof. Pilsner

Another one bites the dust

The latest ‘victim’ in this town’s misdirected attempt to combat anti-social behaviour is an iconic Melbourne pub out Collingwood way, The Tote. Once just one of hundreds of venues around the city and suburbs providing a platform for aspiring musos and bands, in recent times The Tote has stood almost alone in its support of emerging talent.

It is being forced out of business because it serves alcohol. Shock. Horror. Think of the children.

The legislators in this town think that, because a massive soul-less concrete bunker that can accommodate five thousand party people at a time can’t seem to control the few mindless idiots who can’t handle their drink (and their drugs) that every single other venue that also serves alcohol should pay the price, too.

We need more police to clean up the mess created by a few. We need money to train and pay them. We will use the venue licence fee to do this. The licence fee is not enough to do this. We will make the licence fee higher and higher until the totals match. Problem solved.

Such a simplistic view would be laughable if it weren’t so real. Changes to the Liquor Licensing laws meant that even the smallest, safest venues with a late liquor license had to do things like;

• Install CCTV equipment
• Hire a minimum of 2 security 30 minutes before and until 30 minutes after live entertainment
• Cop an increase in License Fee of up to 500%

For a venue like The Tote which provided a free night each week to give up-and-coming bands a chance, an increase in running costs is pretty difficult to absorb. You can’t just hope that your patronage magically quadruples and those patrons also pay double for all their drinks – you just have to cop it, or close down. Sadly for the Tote, the latter was the only sound business decision.

I don’t get out to pubs to see bands as much as I did when I was young and untethered but I remember the feel and the vibe and the sense of community that watching a future rock band get their start and in later years saying ‘I knew them before they were big!’ every town needs these places so that we have something other than a TAB/SportsBar/soul-less booze cavern to spend some time and money in.

Hopefully common sense will prevail before the powers-that-be wake up and realise that the solution is in the hands of the venue operators. Don’t let the dickheads in and, if they do sneak in with the humans, cut them off before they cause trouble. But don’t force the good operators to pay for the greed of the others.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Beer Funny Pictures 02

With the warmer weather upon us, the time has come to think of new and interesting ways to drink beer, stay cool and impress your friends.

These guys have found that by using simple everyday objects from around the home, a pleasant afternoon can be enjoyed by all. A wooden door-stop, a couple of thongs (that’s flip-flops for the Septics, jandals for the Kiwis, Zoris for the Japanese or Hawaii Chappals for the Indians) a length of electrical cord and a regular household power supply. What more could you need?



How about adding to your list the following;

Ambulance subscription
Pre-paid funeral
Twenty cents worth of common sense or
Half a cup of “HAVE A F*#@EN THINK ABOUT IT!”

Then again, maybe Darwin was onto something, after all.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Thanks, Chris, for the pic. I don't believe it was taken at his last pool party.

It’s not just me, then?

A great post over at Pete Brown’s Beer Blog that touches on some issues we have been examining here for a while.

I know sometimes I bang on about certain issues (the posts that Mrs Pilsner refers to as my ‘Redneck Rants) but I just feel at times there is a need to create some balance in the debate. Binge-drinking has long been one issue that I have railed against. By that I mean the harm of binge drinking itself and the poorly formed arguments trotted out by the media.

We’ve spoken before of things like personal responsibility, taking ownership of your actions and ‘STC’ – Suffer The Consequences – and how it gets a bit annoying when the Good Majority gets punished along with the Evil Minority. Well it seems we are not in this fight alone, Beer Brothers. And Sisters, sorry Reg.

Writing for The Publican magazine, Pete has used the release of Government generated figures which show that the overall consumption of alcohol is dropping in the UK, to highlight the distinct lack of reporting of same by the nation’s major newspapers. These would be the same papers that manage to fill page after page with regular scare-stories of binge drinking, beer-fuelled violence and negative health effects of beer.

The article finishes by giving some suggestions as to how we might begin to redress the imbalance and bring some much needed sensibility to the problems faced by some in our civilised society. And here’s where we are both singing from the same hymnbook. Binge-drinking is a problem – for those who partake in the unhealthy practice, and those affected by their behaviour – but the problem is NOT as widespread as the media would have us believe.

We all need to take up ‘arms’ against the enemy. Next time the dinner party conversation comes around to this issue, pipe-up and remind those gathered that overall alcohol consumption is decreasing and bingeing is a problem for a small percentage of the population. We need to deal with it properly – but not by whipping the backs of those who are doing the right thing.

It’s not the final tap of the hammer that cracks the stone – it’s the thousands before it. Start hammering!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Boonie’s Binges Banned Backwards

Interesting to see that Foster’s has come out today and apologised for using former Australian cricketer and holder of the unofficial Sydney to London beer drinking record as a model for a marketing promotion conducted in the 2005/06 and 06/07 seasons.

A senior executive, Chris Maxwell, said the company now sees that using David Boon as the model for a talking doll which was activated by TV commentary signals was the wrong kind of ambassador for the VB brand.

“Looking back, we have decided that was the wrong thing to do. We didn't have the foresight to see that this issue was going to be so significant. And in glorifying that behaviour we have added to the issue of the normalisation of binge-drinking in Australia.”

"We thought that David Boon had a perfect fit with VB. He was a good Aussie bloke, with good Aussie values. However, we have had a lot of criticism around using him in regards to this binge-drinking issue,'' Mr Maxwell said at a Sponsorship Australasia conference in Sydney yesterday.

I guess the reason that Foster’s decided to apologise for the use of Boonie some four years AFTER the promo finished was because they were speaking at a sponsorship conference – I don’t even recall there being much fuss at the time. I assume the standard gaggle of wowsers auto-posted their outrage to newspaper letter columns at the time but other than that?

And as for Boonie being a “good Aussie bloke with good Aussie values” – couldn’t agree more. The fact that, in his younger days, he did something a wee bit silly (52 cans on a flight to London silly) in an isolated case of peer group pressure and sporting club culture doesn’t mean he should become the poster boy for binge drinking. We’ve all done things that, looking back, we see as irresponsible or unhealthy or lacking good judgement, but most of us also move on, learn from the experience and don’t repeat the mistakes of our youth. Some of us even mature.

Can we stop generating a mythical moral majority where I just don’t think it really exists? The bleaters are always going to carry on but, you know what I reckon? There really are still a thousand times more of US than there will ever be of THEM!

Perhaps by way of assuaging* their guilt, Foster’s could bring out a new Boonie doll this cricket season which says things like; “Do us a favour, Knackers, and put the kettle on?” or, “Tell you what, Shags, let’s put these cans down and share a strawberry parfait!”

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

*Assuage – now that’s a word you don’t often hear in these pages, is it?! I think it means that they are making thereselfs feel better by being sorry. Or sumfink.

and thanks to Mrs Lager for pointing me to the story - I don't read The Big Paper!

Push for .02% drives the wrong message

There is a concerted push by some in Victoria to lower the legal blood alcohol content (BAC) of motor vehicle drivers from .05 to .02. Those on the side of reducing the threshold include high ranking Traffic Police as well as politicians and social welfare groups.

As a volunteer Emergency Service worker involved in Road Crash Rescue I am reasonably familiar with the damage that careless driving can do persons and property but I am not sure that this is the right approach, on two fronts.

First, the push to lower the limit has come of the back of some road crash statistics – 39 deaths in five years involving BAC levels of between .02 and .05% - which, in anybody’s language is too many, but Victoria consistently clocks up around 350 road deaths per year, so is that really a significant proportion? The figures also don’t reveal how many of the 39 deaths could be attributed TOTALLY to the BAC. Plenty of people with zero Blood Alcohol and plenty Blood Alcohol die due to speed, fatigue, inattentiveness, inexperience, risk taking and talking or texting on a phone, so will lowering the legal BAC change anything?

The second issue I have is that, yet again, we are ignoring the real problem. We don’t have a drink-driving problem, we have a dickhead problem. The many thousands of responsible drivers who enjoy one or two quiet ales after work, after sport, at many school and community functions and on countless other occasions will be penalised and demonised for the behaviour of a group whose concern for themselves and others will always come second to poor impulse control, strong negative peer group pressure and a general attitude of F@#K YOU MATE!!

Bring down the road toll, sure. Bring in harsher penalties for those who wish to roll the dice and lose, sure. Bring in even harsher penalties for those who don’t get the message the first, second or subsequent times, sure. But don’t change the playing field because some are cheating – make them follow OUR rules, instead.

The story is here.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

People who really need a beer - Part 4

Every now and then Beer Blokes slots in one of these posts to remind us all of the life-enriching power of the Amber Nectar and how its absence can create voids that can only be filled by making stupid comments.

This week we welcome the fun-starved micro-intellects who have gotten thereselfs all in a flutter over, well, a very small issue, really.

The Cranbourne Cup is a regional annual race meeting that raises little interest to anyone other than the loyal locals who fill the Bogan Enclosure, drink heaps of Fizzy Yellow, place a few bets and hope to end up in the same cab home as Sharon from accounts. But this year was different.

As part of the crowd entertainment the organisers ran the Midget Cup – a piggy-back race down the main straight featuring blokes carrying dwarves in jockey’s silks on their backs. Not a particularly enthralling or engaging spectacle, I had to admit, but certainly more fun than some other half-time spectacles I could recall. Well, despite the fact that all participants – regular and pint-sized – appeared to be willing as well as smiling all the way, there has been a massive uproar and gnashing of self-righteous teeth.

Everyone from the State Premier and the Minister for Racing And Not Letting Anyone Have Fun have come out in ‘defence’ of the ‘little people’. Don’t mind that they WERE PAID to appear and have stated that they don’t feel belittled (sorry, couldn’t help meself) by performing within their obvious physical capabilities. Their spokesperson, Jeremy Hallam, published a response to the do-gooders who were claiming that the ‘race’ was demeaning to short people, politically incorrect and socially unacceptable.

Jeremy is a regular at a restaurant and bar I used to work at and I consider him to be a top bloke. Although short in stature he is a giant in terms of his drive, his ambition and his determination to do what he wants to do, all the while accepting his limitations but not allowing them to plot his destiny. He is a great self-promoter, hard worker and a clever organiser having arranged events and fund raisers for local youth. If he wants the Nannies to lighten up – then lighten up!

It was all a bit of fun, it was enjoyed by those who joined in and, although not especially entertaining, it was an amusing distraction for the crowd for all of two minutes. And if it hadn’t been captured in a grainy, shaky video on a cheap phone camera and then sold to the Media, it would have been as memorable as it was brief.

And lastly – those who have the various forms of Dwarfism are not called ‘little people’, ‘short-statured people’ or ‘differently abled people’ – they are called dwarves!! Being a dwarf is a part of who and what they are, like being Caucasian, Catholic, Columbian or a Collingwood supporter.

Chill out, have a beer.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Naughty glasses in Brisbane

Just saw over at Beer Matt’s blog where the powers-that-be in Queensland are looking at banning glasses in pubs as a result of people being attacked. Presumably by glasses. I wrote here back in March last year when sections of the Melbourne media were pushing the same issue. That is, looking at things arse-about.

Why ban glasses? I’ve been to plenty of places that serve beer and never once have I been tapped on the shoulder by a snarling pot or schooner saying; “Ay yoo Jimmy, wanna fight?!” I have, however, been annoyed by a pissed idiot looking for trouble because, well, he’s a pissed idiot. I’m guessing he didn’t turn up at the venue like that, though. Seems to me the solution to a simple problem is usually, well ... simple.

Don’t let the idiots get pissed. Now, because idiots don’t usually wear a label stating that they are an idiot (although wearing sunglasses at night, T-Shirts with rude words on them and Collingwood football jumpers are a bit of a pointer) assume that everyone has the potential to turn wayward. Serve them beers, in glasses, and keep an eye on them. Have the venue manager do the same and wander through the venue like a proper manager would.

If someone starts to get a bit silly, give them a bit of ‘stink-eye’ and let them and their mates know you are watching them. If necessary, ask them quietly to settle things down a tad. Most will take the hint and settle things down without fuss. But, the longer you let them go, the more difficult it is to rein them in. You don’t need to be a prick about it to get the message across – just be quick and consistent. If the Noddies turn into beer-fuelled dickheads, then you cut them off. If their mates try to buy for them, cut them off as well.

Don’t punish the good beer people who are having a good night out and are respecting the beer. That’s not fair.

Check out Matt’s piece here.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

And they say I’m a Beer Snob - Part Two.

Further to my story of the VB Drinkers’ Lament, today’s paper featured a decent write up on the VB change. It followed on from the slab-loads of letters to the editor pissing and moaning that VB had lost the taste that had made it “the best cold beer for a hard earned thirst” in so many successful ad campaigns. And here’s a picture;


With some words ...

Forty years a loyal VB quaffer, Geelong pensioner John Carvill reckons his beloved beer "doesn't have any bite" any more. He now drinks Toohey’s Extra Dry.
"I tolerated the first change (when the alcohol content was reduced by 0.1 per cent three years ago), but they shouldn't have fiddled again," he said.

A few comments, if I may.

1) No Bite? And you’re happy to switch to a double filtered ‘dry’ style beer? Couldn’t afford Carlton Cold? Dickhead.

2) This bloke is pictured emptying a stubby of clear liquid. Either CUB has well and truly watered down VB, or this peanut didn’t even have the plums to waste a bottle of actual, real beer. Dickhead.

3) He ‘tolerated’ the first change – if by ‘tolerated’ he means ‘failed to notice’. There is more than a fair chance that he drank twelve slabs of the new stuff before CUB publicised the ABV change the first time around. Double Dickhead.

Check out the full story, it’s a laugh. Some of these ‘career VB drinkers’ need to swap there beer for a cup of cement and harden the f@#k up!

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

More Beer Karma

Isn’t it a funny thing. As we get older, we get wiser. At least, that’s the theory. At the very least, as we get older we should be making fewer mistakes. And learning from the ones we continue to make.

Almost exactly a year ago I was relating to you the story of a certain AFL champion player/shit bloke/dickhead. I suggested that his disrespect for his beer was directly related to his inability to achieve every forwards’ dream of kicking 100 goals in a season of football. Beer Karma saw to it that, despite several opportunities and numerous team mates’ efforts, he fell short of the target by a single straight kick in the last game of the home-and-away fixture. Welcome back to Beer Blokes, Brendan Fevola.

Well, he hasn’t learned a thing it would seem. After season’s end last year on his teams’ ‘Mad Monday’ celebrations, Fev was strutting around the centre of the city of Melbourne sporting a tutu, hat and large pink sex toy. As you do. His team mates went for the more traditional fancy dress gear; ie; Fancy Dress. See “common sense & Decency” in the dictionary.

His club’s officials were beginning to tire of Brendan’s unfailing ability to generate plenty of press column inches of bad publicity for the organisation and declared that “any more alcohol related indiscretions would result in Fevola’s contract being torn up”. {Insert sound effect of ripping paper ... here.}

Fev – in short – got rather shit-faced at the AFL’s premier awards night, the Brownlow Medal presentation for the leagues’ Best & Fairest player, and made a total tool of himself on national TV. As a result, Fev has been told that his services are no longer required. The bloke can play a bit of footy but, seriously, how many times should it take before you step back, take a good hard look at yourself and say, “ I need to reassess the way I treat my beer”?

Good luck for the future, Fev, wherever you end up.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

People who really need a beer 03

This member of the club whose motto is “Let’s just not let anybody do anything ever and then no-one gets hurt” has featured before in posts on people who need a beer and he makes his return on a similar subject. And this time he’s brought some friends along.

Todd Harper is CEO of VicHealth and I just wish that he was President of the Whole Wide World because his ideas are so simple and so effective that the world’s troubles would dry up tomorrow if he was in charge. Last time around he was calling for blanket bans and lock-outs in pubs and nightclubs and warning labels on beers. I laughed then, I laugh now.

Todd apparently conducted a survey where he rang 1500 people and found out that almost NINE OUT OF TEN wanted cigarette style warning labels on their beer, wine and spirits. Pictures of corpses and bloodied faces and women with breast cancer and sick babies – that sort of thing. I don’t know why, either. We all know the message from the QUIT campaign and the accompanying scientific evidence that ‘every cigarette is doing you harm’, but that is not the case for beer or wine or spirits. Done sensibly in moderation, drinking can be beneficial to your health – mental as well as physical.

I don’t even want to think about how much of our tax cash was wasted by this mob yet again but I can guess by some of the other findings that it wouldn’t have been difficult to find something better to spend it on.

“9 out of 10 wanted warnings that exceeding guidelines may be harmful.”
Those who would take notice already know this. It’s the dickheads who don’t and won’t.

“There is demand {no evidence given} for warnings catering for pregnant women and young people.”
See above.

“¾ support nutritional information and a list of ingredients.”
WHAT?! Here, let me help you – malt, hops water and yeast. Grapes, water and yeast. OK, you’ve got me on RTDs – I got no idea what’s in them.

“Most drinkers want to know what type of alcohol is used in pre-mixed drinks.”
Most RTD drinkers must be stoopid. If it says Jim Beam – that’s what’s in it. If it says ‘bourbon’ then it’s rubbing alcohol with bourbon flavouring. OK?

“There is demand {no evidence given} for a standardised display on the number of standard drinks in containers.”
See post on this from Wednesday. It already exists, and you stupid do-gooders don’t like the way the TAC simplifies it. Make up your minds.

The story concludes with a quote from Prof. Robin Room of the Turning Point Alcohol and Drug Centre in Melbourne who says; “Alcohol affects others adversely, it is not only the effect on the drinker we are talking about.” No Poindexter, alcohol has no legs, no intent, no free will and no grasp of consequences, niether is it inherently good nor evil. It’s dickheads you are talking about – and they don’t, won’t or can’t read your warnings, no matter how you spell them.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Cop That!

I have often spoken about how my enjoyment of a beer – any beer – can be enhanced by the situation or the occasion that I find myself in. This is a cracker. Sipping a nice refreshing Bridge Road Pale Ale I laughed and laughed as I read the paper. The beer somehow just tasted – better.

I was brought up with a strong belief that you always do the right thing – sense of social justice if you will - and that you do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do. Still think that way and Mrs Pilsner and I are teaching our girls to think the same. But, sadly, many couldn’t give a fat rat’s clacker about anybody or anything but themselves. It is to one of these groups that Beer Blokes raises a glass now and says; “Cheers! Cop that!!”

The federal government recently launched a series of ‘stimulus packages’ to help the Australian economy. These were a number of cash handouts to many regular people (including some overseas visitors, exchange students and more than a few dead people) payable in a lump sum of up to $900 for individuals and $2800 for families. There was only one stipulation – you had to file a tax return.

Here’s where it gets good. There is a group out there in Australian society who try to avoid their social responsibility to others by refusing to lodge a tax return. This way they can avoid such annoyances as child support payments, spousal maintenance and deductions to their welfare benefits. But sometimes greed, coupled with base stupidity means a win for the good guys.

Many of these deadbeat mums and dads – 21,327 of them actually - were busted big-time when they couldn’t file their tax missing tax returns quick enough so as to scoop up a piece of my hard earned taxpayer dollars. Their tax returns enabled the Department of Human Services to recoup 23.5 million dollars in child support.

That’s worth another beer.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

I Don't do Twatter

Further to my recent post lamenting the dumbing down of our modern world through the very tools which should be making us smarter comes this. Those readers with a deep and personal emotional attachment to social networking sites, look away NOW.

My local paper has begun a column called Street Tweet – What’s the Twitter where you live? A quarter page of Twatter Tweets which are supposedly representative of the suburbs from which they are ‘tweeted’. Examples of suburb based Twitterings. I think. If you didn’t know anything about Twatter or Farcebook or MopeSpace you’d be forgiven for thinking that someone at the paper had just trained a monkey to vomit Alphabeti-Spaghetti onto a page and then copied it. I still haven’t been able to confirm that this is NOT what they did, in fact, do.

I will re-print (completely without express permission) some of the ‘better’ ones with a brief Beer Bloke translation, re-interpretation and deconstruction of the writer’s thoughts. And I use those last two words very loosely.

Clifton Hill “My Ma lives in Clifton Hill. Do you reckon she’d be upset if I didn’t visit ‘til this swine thing blows over?” breesharman

BEERBLOKES – No, breesharman, that won’t upset her you daft twat. And I don’t know what will upset her more, your apparent lack of basic family manners or the fact that you wasted 30 seconds of your life posting that dribble.

Altona “Saturday we go to Altona Gate and buy new trackie pants.” Tweetiebard

BEERBLOKES – I knew Twatter was a complete waste of time. It seems some are using it to present their Grade One English homework. And not well. But combining the names of a wimpy avian cartoon character and the world’s greatest playwright – that’s literary gold!!

Preston “Dreamt last night of Narnia mixed with Star Wars meets Neighbours in Preston. No more Milo before bed for me.” miffyp123

BEERBLOKES – no, instead try this; smack yourself as hard as you can, as many times as you can, upside your thick melon until reality returns you to our world, Earth. And may the force be with you as Charlene destroys the Death Star and it explodes covering you in Turkish Delight.

Mordialloc “Am traumatised by monophonic Mexican hat dance ringtone belonging to pale blue parka wearing woman who gets off at Mordialloc station.” randomcollette

BEERBLOKES – I think you might find that the feeling you get after waking to find your entire family murdered in the bed next you – ‘traumatised’. Surviving a high-speed road crash – ‘traumatised’. Discovering that all the beer in your fridge has turned into Corona – ‘traumatised’. Annoying ringtone on a train? Next time it goes off, pull a sombrero out and smile at her as you put it on.

Frankston “Nando’s is basically mundanely exotic; sort of like putting on a Brazillian mardi gras in the middle of Frankston.” crushtor

BEERBLOKES – The difference between living in Frankston and breaking your arm – you know that one day your arm will get better.

I hope they keep doing this section in the paper.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Dumb-CHK, Dumb-CHK BOOM!

When I first got into this Inter-Webs thingy I took to it well, but I was worried. I knew that this fancy new technology could be used for goodness, but I had a sneaking, not-quite-paranoid, feeling that it might just be used by some for evil purposes.

As a reasonably tech savvy post baby-boomer, I also had some fair idea of what personal privacy was and the importance of protecting it. I also had a fair idea that once you put something out there into the internetesphere it would pretty much stay there. Forever.

Cut forward to the present – or Yesterday’s Future, if you will – and the Beer Bloke Prophesies have come to life in a dark and depressing reality. You see, some people have used this wonderous, toll-free information super highway to not only NOT contribute to the betterment of the world and its many peoples but to actually DECREASE the sum total of humankind’s achievements. We’re goin’ backwards, people!

Exhibit A. This week a young woman previously unknown outside her family and circle of friends and workmates became ‘famous’ for telling porkies. She described in detail the shooting of some random law-dodging oxygen thief by some other random law-dodging oxygen thief in Sydney’s Kings Cross. We’ve all told the odd fib but this was different because she told her whopper to a television camera which then deemed it ‘newsworthy’ enough to broadcast. Despite the fact that most ten year olds could tell that she was bullshitting. For a start, ‘wogs’ don’t call each other “Bro” – that would be the Kiwis, or Brothers, as we call them. The internet then kicked in and she ended up on You Tube where she received about eleventy-eight kabillion hits. Unfortunately none of them were directed at her dumb head.

Maybe that’s a little unfair. She was just being a dickhead. The fact that someone was lazy enough to think that this drivel was even newsworthy should be smacked upside his or her thick head with a rolled up wet newspaper (delicious media-related irony, don’t you think?!) but what’s worse is that this air-head has now been offered a gig with the same channel that was stupid enough to fall for, and then broadcast, her waffle.

The Virtual Media has created yet another person who is Famous For Being Well Known – like we don’t have enough of them already – and now the Real Media is stretching her fifteen minutes of “fame” further than the girl’s lack of credibility and actual talent. I know she didn’t go over to the camera when she saw The Dickhead Lamp go on just so that she could become a celebrity, but she’s certainly milkin’ it for all it’s worth in the aftermath.

And just like the kid at school who wore worms as a wig, stuck crayons up his nose and ate his own boogies, if we all stop looking at him, he goes away.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

In case you’re wondering, the reason I threw this post in is that, while it’s not strictly about beer, there was a suggestion that her TV ‘appearance’ was a marketing ploy by Lion Nathan to promote a beer competition featured on the bus stop behind her. Probably should have mentioned that earlier.