Our favourite brews

This heading caught my eye in the local Melbourne paper last week. I’m always a little sceptical of beer articles in the mainstream news because they always seem to fall into one of two categories – highlighting and over-exaggerating alcohol fuelled street violence or thinly disguised advertorial for one of the big breweries.

This article fits the MO of the latter and, in this case I think they’ve given a free hit to one of the big beer barons*. It claims to have ‘unearthed’ the most popular beers in Melbourne. And by ‘beers’, they mean Victoria Bitter – VB – and by ‘most popular’ they mean the stuff sold through Melbourne’s largest single beer-barn style retailer – Woolworth’s, which includes Dan Murphy’s cellars and a thousand hotel bottle shops.

We all knew that VB was the single biggest selling beer in Melbourne because, well, it’s the biggest selling beer in Australia – has been since God’s dog was a pup! What we didn’t now was that “the beer we drink does vary according to our postcode,” the article suggested. It then contradicted itself by saying that VB was the top-selling beer in liquor shops IN EVERY STORE SURVEYED IN MELBOURNE AND REGIONAL VICTORIA. Excuse me, but have you seen my ‘variance’??

Well, the only variance comes in when you look at an outlet in the CBD and one in Toorak (Melbourne’s most prestigious address). Here VB comes in at number five and four respectively. But the results for these two are nothing to be proud of either. In the CBD the alpha-beer is Corona. In Toorak it is Pure Blonde. I can understand VB at the ‘top’ because it is so widely available, has been drunk by everybody’s father, grandfather and great grandfather and is supported by the longest running series of ads in print and on radio and TV.

But Corona!?! The greatest practical joke ever played on a beer drinker and possibly the greatest supporter of the citrus fruit growing industry. Pure Blond!?! Pure marketing bullshit! It should have a warning on the label; “MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BEER. MANUFACTURED IN FACTORIES WHERE BEER PRODUCTS ARE MADE” Any less taste of beer and you’d need to call it ... well, Corona.

Now, in case you think I’m becoming a beer snob (maybe the bulk of the population are just beer slobs??) I’m not, I’m just using these pages to lament the fact that award winning craft beers and imported offerings are never given the sort of full page spread that items, like this, of dubious merit or educational worth seem to get regularly. If you want to make up a full page ad for a big brewer, just say so.

Just don’t pour cheap beer down our backs and tell us it’s raining.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Samichlaus the Christmas Beer

It’s Austrian, it’s beer and it’s a very festive 14% ABV.

Samichlaus is brewed on December 6 and then matured for 10 months before release. Produced from a fair whack of Pilsner malt with a little Munich 25 it is brewed using a double decoction method and, as a result, shows some kettle caramelisation in the flavour and the colour. Two hop additions ensure a balanced flavour profile and a hardy yeast able to withstand the workload required of a 14% beer give it an estery fruitiness.

I haven’t tried it yet. I am drawing my descriptions from the writings of the late Beer Hunter, Michael Jackson. The other Michael Jackson (skinny white guy with no face, one glove, lunatic) is still alive but he’s slowly working on it. So am I.

Michael Jackson wrote of Samichlaus beer back in 2000 when the Castle Brewery at Eggenberg revived the brew after a four year break. It was originally produced in 1979 for release in 1980 and sold up until 1997 when the brewery went bust. From what I can gather it has been brewed every year since then by the Eggenberg boys in conjunction with the original brewers. Subsequent batches were designed for cellaring to round out and enhance the flavours overall. The piece is well worth a read as it details the secrecy with which the brewer guards his craft and the stealth with which someone who was as good at his own craft as Michael Jackson guesses the rest.

Known as the Santa Claus beer I can only imagine if the jolly old fat bloke from up North had even one of these beers before taking off his reindeer would turn into pink elephants and he’d be lucky to back the sleigh out of the Pole without hitting it. Two or more and he wouldn’t be able to find his own arse with both hands. The actual translation of the word Samichlaus is Santa Claus in ‘Swiss-German’ but I suspect it’s actually Santa Claus in ‘Pissed-Idiot’. As in “Sami .... Shammi ... Shaaa-aaa-aaa-mY, Mate!!!! ORLUVYOOO!!! Nah, seruss-ly, mate ... mate ... ma-a-a-a-ate. FEN LEGEND MATE!!!”

It is interesting to note also that some insist his beer is a Doppellbock, while others will proudly call it the world’s strongest lager. Don’t know wether either is necessarily wrong, but it highlights the ways in which beer ‘labels’ can serve to confuse and divide opinion. As long as it’s liquid and beer-flavoured, I’ll give it a crack and leave the pedigree up to those who want to play those games.

Thanks Chris for the gift of the Christmas beer and thanks to the good folk at Sword’s Select for stocking these kinds of beer. I’m on call this week so I won’t be into the Santa Claus beer until next week when I will let you know what I think of it. For what that’s worth.

Cheers
Prof. Pilsner

Harden the F@#K UP lager

We have this famous bloke here in Australia. His name is Mark Brandon Read. To the uninitiated the name may evoke images of a starch-shirted chartered accountant or a kindergarten teacher. The obligatory use of the middle name, however, should probably give a hint as to the real fame (or infamy) of Mr Read.

He is better known by his nickname, ‘Chopper’, and is definitely NOT a kindergarten teacher. Chopper is a crim. A convicted career criminal, Read served time for various offences including assault, kidnapping, torture, armed robbery and firearm offences. He also had an inmate cut off his ears for him. Pardon?

Anyway, since leaving his life of crime behind him he has taken to making a living as an author, children’s book writer, painter and rap artist. Eric Bana portrayed his life in the film ‘Chopper’, we got to see his snag in the recent mini series on gang crime, ‘Underbelly’ and comedian Heath Franklin has made a fair career out of taking the piss as Chopper the kid’s show host, weatherman and travel agent. His catch phrase is ‘Harden The F@#K Up!!’

So you would expect that Choppers latest incarnation would be a little more ballsy than a 6% ABV lager. That’s right, Chopper has given his permission (and bank account deposit details, presumably) to the good folk at Bintara Brewery in Victoria’s Rutherglen (not too far from the stamping ground of legendary bushranger Ned Kelly) to whack his name and likeness on beer bottles. They don’t, however, have his beer on or near their website.

I am going to give the beer a go tonight and in the meantime I will leave you with this very interesting review from a Chopper fan site;

Chopper has his own Brand of Beer Guaranteed to get your ears off as Chopper would say.A mad 6% Strength

Chopper heavy is a clean Australian style lager. Its golden colour has an extra lustre with a spark or flame of light refracted in the glass. A full bodied beer with the characteristic hoppy bitterness and a thick creamy head.
The beer is paler than heavy pilsners and is made from soft local water.
The beer has a malt driven bouquet, a mild hoppy palate and a slightly bitter after taste.
Chopper Heavy is handcrafted in small batches that comply with traditional methods
Hmmm. A ‘spark or flame of refracted light’ ...

I’ll let you know what gets refracted tomorrow.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Meanwhile, here’s ‘Chopper’ pretending to be comedian Heath Franklin ... or is that the other way around? That's if I can get the stupid internets thingys to work - otherwise just look for Chopper on that youtyubey thingy ... you know, tha webbysite where all the monkeys wee on thereselfs.

Supermarkets and beer

My beer of choice to celebrate my middle daughter’s birthday was a random one, based on it being the fifth beer in the line in the fridge and her turning five. Logical enough, I reckon. The beer was a Platinum Blonde from the Six Star Breweries and it was odd in a couple of ways.

As I have stated in these pages previously, I understand the whole low carb beer thing but I just don’t get it. I know that lazy marketing men can’t be arsed getting together with the bean counters at the bigger breweries to sort out a compromise between taste and cost but to come up with a constant stream of regurgitated ‘idea beer’ products that are the same as most of the piss weak marketing beers as the others have already pumped out is just disrespecting real beer drinkers. To henceforth cover my own arse, I shall state that I bought this beer in the interests of research. Plus I knew it would be shit but I didn’t feel it fair to bag a beer that I hadn’t tasted.

The reality is that most of the people who drink these gimmicks don’t care as much for the taste and quality of their beer as they do the ‘look’ and the quantity of their beer. Fancy or familiar labels and plenty of it, thanks. They will try a ‘new’ beer even if it’s the same beer with a ‘new & improved’ sticker on it.

This latest in this already overcrowded market place is made for, and by, the Woolworth’s supermarket chain, one of the two giants in the grocery and liquor game in Australia. This beer is the first in a range to be produced under the Six Star Breweries name. And it is just a name. There is not even one, let alone many Six Star Breweries. This is the name of the ‘marketing operation’ as they call it which, in a way, is admitting the gimmicky cheapening nature of this venture. The beer is made (possibly brewed) at Victoria’s Independent Distillers the contract brewer who makes, among others, Kingfisher under license.

This is not a new thing. Worldwide brands like Sol and Hollandia and locals like Tasman and Hammer ‘n Tongs have been made for the supermarkets alone as a price lead or homebrand beer for many years. Oetinger Pils and Maes Belgian Pils are others in this basket. Some of these beers are OK as standard fridge fillers and I have some of them as ‘no-think back ups’ from time to time – something I can just reach in and grab while I decide what I’m going to do next. I can also see that it is not a terrible thing for supermarkets to have a low price beer to get the punters in – I just don’t think we need so many of the same!

The two things that worry me about this situation are the fact that the downturn in pub patronage in the UK is being blamed partly on the upsurge in supermarket liquor sales and I don’t want to see that happen here and the fact that this is a marketing war – and wars have casualties.

Just listen to the battle cry from the head marketing wally from Woolies;

"We have got control over point-of-sale … we have control over floor, shelf and fridge space, and those are powerful things and in many ways equally as powerful as the other tools available to brand marketers." ... "We don't enter these sorts of projects unless we can capture a reasonable share of market, and we are looking at mid to high single digits,"

This is not a bloke with beers best interests at heart, nor the best interests of the beer drinkers. Prominent positioning, floor space advantage and other Marketing 101 catch phrases mean nothing except this – for every beer that these peanuts decide will be ‘beer idea of the month’, another beer or two must make way. And the ones to make way won’t be a similar low carb, low taste, low effort swill-piss, it will be the sweat of a craft brewer or a daring attempt at an odd-ball Belgian dubbell or Munich Helles by an emerging brewer or a worthy effort at something just a little better than the ever increasing line up of copycat lagers with no merit other than that they taste a bit like beer.

There’s my rant. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe the big guns will keep each other honest and good beer will be readily available and reasonably priced. Maybe the small independent retailers will all survive and move away from competing with the Goliaths and start selling good craft beers and crafty imports. Maybe the circle of beer will continue to turn and real beer drinkers can keep buying real beer and the bogans can keep buying slabs of VB and we all sleep well at night.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Buying more beer – cheap

I watched a special on the telly last week which dealt with the retail duopoly which exists across Australia in the supermarket sector. The two big players, Coles and Woolworths sell us 70% of our dry goods and 50% of our fresh food as well as having a massive stake in petrol stations, pokie clubs and other businesses.

Where a decade or so back these supermarkets were selling just tinned tomatoes, milk, frozen peas and washing powders, they have now expanded and in many places have edged out small local butchers, bakers and probably the odd candlestick maker as well.

The other area of interest for visitors to this blog is that the two mega retailers also control a fair sized slab of the liquor market. With stores dotted everywhere across the city and country making use of massive floor spaces, the buying power that these giants have is unbeatable. Huge volumes and the ability to showcase hundreds of different lines means that the big two can dictate terms and pricing from the various suppliers. If you want to move a shed load of product, here’s how much you will get per unit and here’s when and how you’ll get paid.

For the humble punter this means a few things. First, we get to choose from a range we have not had ever before. Second, we can take advantage of bulk buy discounts and weekly specials on everyday mainstream beers – especially by the slab. Third, we are generally paying a lot less overall for beer because the biggies will always price beat their smaller independent retailers. And fourth, with liquor departments at the supermarkets as well as the huge stand alone booze barns access to liquor is easier than ever before. But is this all a good thing?

Having two players in the market effectively setting the price of beer means that the small independent is pretty much at the mercy of the duopoly when it comes to competing on price alone. The 4 Corners special heard from some retailers who were actually buying their stock from one of the bigg’uns because their cost price from the brewery was more expensive than the giant’s retail sale price! Some may argue that the small retailers offer a better level of service but for the average shmo trollying out his week’s supply of ‘Good Piss Lager’ or a slab of bourbon and cola cans, he could care less about service and range.

For those like myself, I prefer to shop at my friendly small guy (see entries on Cloudwine and Swords Select) because I know I can get a chat as well as a better selection of hard to get beers and special orders are taken care of with pleasure rather than annoyance. Personally, I can also request an odd-ball import or check prices and upcoming new arrivals on the beer retailer’s blogs. These things are more important to me than knowing I can get four ‘torpedoes’ of no-name bourbon flavoured rubbing alcohol mixed with sugar and cola infused lab syrup for around the price of four really nice beers. Plus, I wear shoes when I go shopping for drink and I don’t tip half of my purchase down my neck on the way home. But that’s another story.

Here is the big question; two mega-ginormous retailers controlling the market, keeping the smaller players at arms length from competing and calling the shots to the suppliers – what happens next? If more and more independents fall by the wayside and the big just get bigger, do the leaders go all ‘soup Nazi’ on us and say; “No specials for you!!” or does the fact that there are still two players at the top of ladder ensure that neither wants to shake he ladder or risk cutting some rungs? In the UK the supermarket players are being blamed in part for the decline in patronage at traditional English pubs and while the situation is different in the way that pub drinkers buy their booze, the omens are there.

We have more choice and more variety and more opportunity to easily buy what we want. We are probably paying less overall for many garden variety beers. We are convinced by the marketing that we are getting the best value for our drinking dollar. Should we just enjoy it all while we can or do the signs point to a future where the rules surrounding the business of buying beer is determined by the retailer and not the customer?

I’m off to buy some beer and I will drink some and have a think about it. I’ll get back to you soon.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

The Local Taphouse

There are bars and then there are bars.

Stop lookin’, I’ve found it!

It is with just a little trepidation that I pen this piece because I feel like I’m letting the world in on what should be a guarded secret; the best beer bar in the whole wide world ever. There, I said it.

The place is called the Local Taphouse and it lives in East St Kilda in Melbourne just a drop kick and a half from the city.

Truth be told, the beer lover in me says “Tell ‘em all!! Shout it from the highest rooftops and whatnot!!” for this is a place that anybody who calls themselves a beer drinker needs to visit at least once in their beery lifetime. For many it will make them realise that they really knew very little about beer and for others it will be the oasis that they have been seeking in the crowded desert of mainstream lager suppliers.

And that’s not to say that the Local Taphouse is in any way, shape or form an elitist establishment – quite the opposite. Welcoming and relaxing, inviting and warm. Mind you, as I hit the doormat the thermostat was in low single figures so the ‘warming’ bit might have had something to do with the chilling wind that was pushing me towards the door! But for the other elements that make this place special all credit to the owners, management and staff.

Any good hospitality venue, be it a restaurant, bar, cafe or beer barn, relies on its people for its success and The Local Taphouse has plenty of stock in this respect. That’s a good thing, too, because the other thing of which they have an abundant supply is beer. Good beer. Very, very good beer.

20 taps downstairs and another 20 upstairs and we’re talking some serious beer guys running this place. Four taps feature ‘showcase’ beers, single kegs of something special, ‘out there’ or hard to find and the rest are grouped by style and cover every taste and temptation. From pale golden pilsners to silky rich stouts and something nice for everyone in between, the only problem is deciding on just one at a time! Fortunately the ‘beer tenders’ allow you plenty of relaxing thinking time to plan and plot out your nights’ beer journey.

Now, any place can plumb a dozen taps and keg up some nice beers, but that don’t make a great beer pub on its own. As I have often posed in this blog; “Where’s the love?!” Making a place LOOK like it’s a good beer place is not even half the equation. Beer is, afterall, a people drink and it is the people who drive a good place. The Local Taphouse is a shining example of how hiring the right people, training them well and encouraging them, and giving them the tools to do the job results in a customer focussed, attentive and friendly staff delivering a consistent and enjoyable experience every time.

I could keep on about this place, and I suspect that I will in further posts, but until then I suggest you get out there for yourself if you can and see what can be achieved in the New World of pubs, bars, restaurants and all that stuff. Tell them you read about it here and they’ll probably nod knowingly and whisper quietly; “Professor WHO?”

The Local Taphouse is at 184 Carlisle St, St Kilda East just between Capel St and St Kilda roads.
Links to the website and beerblog can be found in my Drinking Mates list.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Beer Karma

In the middle of this month I detailed the anniversary celebrations I shared with Mrs Pilsner.

No, not those details. I shared the story of dinner and drinks lists and I stated my surprise at the shallowness and outdatedness of the beer offerings at the restaurant of one of this county’s most charming and elegant hotels.

Well, yesterday I discovered the ‘Yang’ to this disappointing ‘Ying’. And it was not expected and it was not planned. We had just endured a fairly hectic week which culminated in Dr Lager and I hosting a fundraising Trivia night for the pre-school and Mrs Pilsner and I decided to take the family out for Sunday brunch. We decided on a restaurant tucked into a little shopping strip in the local suburbs that we had planned to check out anyway and packed the car with excite children and headed out.

Lunch done and we are heading back to the car. Mrs Pilsner spots a little Asian Grocer on the way back and decides to pop in for a look. Two of the little Pilsners are not in the mood for chicken’s feet and noodle nosing so I took them under my wing and went window shopping further on down the street.

Which is where I found it. Or, where Beer Karma led me. A little non-descript bottle shop at the end of the shops. No big signs or marketing fanfare of any kind, just a shop. I figured I had a minute or two before my two charges went postal and started to annoy each other to the point of enforced separation so I ventured in. At the very back of the shop, past the stacks of standard lager offerings were a couple of fridges, each bearing a hand drawn label. ‘Local’, ‘Imported’ and ‘Boutique’. I passed over the local, until a couple of bottles caught my eye. Here were beers from a West Australian brewer that I had not seen before, nor hear of. Nice surprise. What else have you got for me, Beer Karma?

A nice selection of craft/standard beers, including some seasonal limited releases! Nice! On to the ‘boutique’ section and there I found Salitos – a fairly hard to find Mexican Tequila beer – and while not a beer of any great pedigree, it is one that I have been trying to cross off my list of collectable beers! A Czech pilsner in a 500ml bottle and a low carb ‘idea beer’ joined the craft wheatie and a another local and the collection was capped off by a beer from Laos! The imaginatively named ‘BeerLao’ went down a treat with dinner that night.

A couple of spare minutes had just rewarded me with a very pleasant beery discovery. My faith in Beer Karma had been restored and Mrs Pilsner got what she needed as well.

I expect that the two kids I was responsible for will find their way home in the next two or three days.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Buying Beer Part Two

Again I have the brother-in-law to thank for this one as it all started with a ‘check out this website’ kind of offer. It led to the discovery of a new beer retailer, some ripping good untried beers, knowledgeable and friendly staff, a day trip during the kids’ holidays and a good excuse to keep crossing town every few weeks so, really, it just ticked all the boxes.

Cloudwine Cellars is, by their own definition, a ‘fiercely independent wine merchant’ and is one which does a particularly good sideline in craft, independent and other hard-to-get beers as well. As a beer lover I guess I might describe it as ‘a gold mine of very fine beers in a beautifully presented retail environment staffed by blokes who know what they’re talking about and know that it is the customer who pays their wages and who also apparently stock some nice wine as well’. But that’s a bit hard to fit on a business card.

A fairly small but welcoming shop front is neat and tidy without being fussy or poofy and the fully stocked and properly labelled shelves and displays are signs that someone cares about what they are doing rather than a sign that the staff have too much free time. The lack of space is no hindrance if you have the place to yourself but they have very good back up plan in case the shop is full. A very ‘user friendly’ website and weblog are a terrific tool for working out your shopping list and a bit of virtual browsing is a great way to work out the cost of your trip as well.

At the South Melbourne shop I was led around a corner of the shop past the beer fridge to a place I can only describe as like the library in a gentleman’s country estate – an alcove of three floor to ceiling shelves stacked full of any decent beer lovers’ beer wish list. Craft brews from around the state and the country, international specialties and unique beer gift style bottles and boxed surprises as far as the eye can see. And Chris was more than helpful and genuinely interested in talking about the beers that he had tasted himself and informative about the origins and tasting notes of the newer stock.

This was the first of what will be many trips to Cloudwine Cellars and I suggest that anyone keen to see what a well run beer operation looks like checks out the website and the blog and, if possible, get in and see them for yourself. In an age where so much retail philosophy seems to be based around getting further and further away from the annoyance of actual customers and liquor retail in particular grows bigger but less personable it is nice to see that people like those behind Sword’s Select, Cloudwine, Purvis and a few others (who I am getting around to plugging!) are beginning to buck the impersonal trend and giving great product the shelf space and the exposure that it deserves.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

You can find Cloudwine Cellars at http://www.cloudwine.com.au/ and the beer blog at slowbeer.blogspot.com

Further to my comments about the shop itself – sorry, “retail space” in case there are any interior designers, social environment engineers or other retail marketing types listening – I really was impressed by the layout, the look and the general vibe of the place. Some of the big players in the booze market, as well as retailers in general, might like to get the number of the people who thought up the ‘feel’ of the Cloudwine Cellars operation. I should clarify at this point that I have only visited the South Melbourne shop and I guess the other two could look like a poorly constructed bush outhouse; but I am thinking NOT.

Beer Barons Battered But Bite Back

Or, ‘Why most politicians should be herded up and bitch-slapped with their own departmental reports.’

Our Federal Health minister, Nanny Nicola Roxon has been on something of a crusade of late. And I use the word ‘crusade’ in its ancient Neanderthal context where it means ‘a process by which we can stop normal happy responsible people from having any fun for as long as there are dickheads out there, being dickheads and doing dickhead things’. Shouting loudly from her pulpit (made from old beer cases) so as to drown out any voices of reason, she cried that ‘alcohol’ costs Australians $15 billion a year, and that the only people who didn’t think binge drinking was a problem were “the alcohol industry and the Liberal Party”.

Newsflash, Nanny. ‘Alcohol’ does not cost Australia $15b. DICKHEADS DO!! Making good people pay more for their beer and whatnot doesn’t make a dickhead stop being a dickhead. You dickhead.

But, ploughing on blindly through the fog of common sense, her department of Fun Finishers has rolled out a veritable septic tank full of policies and directives by which they expect to combat and defeat binge drinking. The only problem with their near sighted nannying is that it fails to observe the one basic fundamental issue at the guts of the problem. The dickhead. And HIS responsibility for HIS OWN actions.

Tax the shit out of alcohol, force producers to put warning labels all over their bottles and cans, ban liquor companies from sponsorship of sporting clubs and generally smack them on the wrist for daring to responsibly market and distribute legal and socially acceptable products..

So it was good to see the ‘Booze Barons’ fight back. It was also good to see the fine journalists at Melbournes’ Herald Sun go with the unemotive and neutral moniker of Booze Barons instead of something corny or facetious like ‘Industry Experts’ or ‘Successful Retailers’ or something dicky like that.

In response to the knee-jerk reaction of the Government, the four biggest players in the liquor industry – heads of brewers Lion Nathan and Foster’s and the chiefs of liquor retail divisions of Coles and Woolworth’s - were given the front page and a full page inside to give their opinions on five major areas relating to the drinking problems in our community.

They were asked to provide their thoughts on binge dinking, the recent taxing of ‘alcopops’ , low alcohol products, who’s to blame and what we can do to fix it.

All of them, in response to ‘who must take responsibility for alcohol related harm?’ echoed the same theme.

“Responsibility must lie primarily with the individual.” “An individuals decision to consume excessive amounts of alcohol and their actions are ultimately their own responsibility.” "We certainly believe the person who consumes the alcohol needs to take responsibility for their actions ..” ”Ultimately it comes down to individual responsibility to know and stay within (their) limits, the law and community standards.”

As to the scourge of binge drinking, all the stats point to a general decline in total alcohol consumption over the last three decades or so and, if we have a problem to address, it is the manner in which SOME people (dickheads) feel it necessary to drink i.e.; like dickheads. Brewers and retailers are subject to plenty of strict guidelines in terms of making, marketing and selling grog. Responsible service of alcohol and ID checks are all in place and are generally well adhered to. It must also be remembered that the VAST MAJORITY OF DRINKERS PURCHASE AND CONSUME THEIR ALCOHOL RESPONSIBLY. Sorry, the caps lock was stuck. So why do we need to punish the innocent rather than educate the guilty? And if education don’t work, then punish them. But not us.

A report on the story can be found here. But I’ve given you all the good bits and cut out the crap, so, really, why bother? Life’s short. Have a beer instead.
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23965433-5014099,00.html#

Buying Beer

Swords Select

In my travels I always try to buy some beer. Why not? So it seems only fair that, in the course of writing this beer based blog, that I pass on some of the things that I learn along the way. And so to a trip to the market to buy some beer.

I know that most people go to the market to buy fresh fruit and veg, or to haggle over some prawns or a lamb chop – I know I love to – or to buy some eco-friendly hippie footwear or a budgie but you can also pick up some good beer in some markets. I discovered this quite recently when the bro’ in law introduced me to an erstwhile unknown corner of Melbourne’s Queen Victoria Market. Unknown to me, that is. Mrs Pilsner had been working in the city until recently and walked to the market once every week for four years and never told me about this stall!!

I’ll deal with her later.

The stall at the iconic ‘Queen Vic’ is Swords Select and a cosier, more inviting and well stocked purveyor of craft and international beers you could not hope to find. Local small, independent breweries from Victoria as well as interstate are all given the shelf space and the product knowledge that they deserve and which they sadly miss at the main liquor retailers and the best of the ‘weird and wonderful’ from around the globe are all on show as well.

Swords Select is an environmentally friendly retailer. “Pardon, a what?” I hear you ask. They specialise in one litre, reusable and refundable glass swing top bottles. Buy the wine you like and return the bottle for refilling. Three bucks back to you and the earth gets a helping hand as well. They’ll even serve you if you DON’T wear hippie sandals. But the beer selection is what really caught my eye. I didn’t even realise that they sold wine until I jumped on to their website. Good website, too. Here’s how to get there. Swords select

Plenty of different breweries are represented and a beer each week is available to sample. Sometimes they’ll let you have a sample even if you say that you’ve already had it before and you know what it tastes like. Or maybe that’s just because I’m nice. The environmental-friendliness continues with the provision of reserved six-pack boxes so that you can take your booty home and not kill the dolphins. Plus it encourages you to buy six at a time. I usually get two six-packs so that one of my arms doesn’t end up longer than the other.

It also has the added bonus of giving me some beers that I would not normally be able to get and then tell you lot all about them. While picking up some ‘specials’ last Sunday, I got talking to Mary at Swords about the drawbacks of beer reviews. We both agreed that they just don’t really nail the guts of the beer they review because it is near impossible to convey the conviviality – the occasion, the friends, the timing and the ‘special something’ that can turn a beer into an experience.

In future posts, I will attempt to redress this issue and right some wrongs. I will also even up some scores with reviewers who have talked me into racing out for something that was not only disappointing, but nothing like what was promised. My reviews will be more like ‘road tests’ rather than recommendations. Look out for them – you can’t miss them, there the ones with pictures of boobies scattered amongst the wordy bits.

If you get the chance, get to Swords Select, tell them you read about them on Beer Blokes and treat yourself to some friendly, knowledgeable and value for money advice and some really good beers.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Excuse me, God, what are you trying to tell me?

SOMETIMES BEER MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

I try to support a good craft brewer wherever possible. I do this by buying their beer. As much as possible. This is not always easy, but I give it my best shot. I have the same attitude to the imports which are becoming more available than they were even a few years ago. I figure that if they don’t move the stock quickly enough for their shareholders liking, the retailers will pull the stock and we all miss out.

That’s my excuse for buying as much beer as I do. And I brew my own as well. Here are my tips on buying some beer.

The local hotel bottleshops are worth driving straight past because, apart from the higher pricing the staff are unlikely to know any more about beer than what colour it is. And even then most of them would be guessing. The next step is the large supermarket chain linked bottleshop. Much better than the drive thru for price and range and the knowledge level is generally a little better. Convenient, too, because you can pop in after doing the shopping and use the excuse that your menu planning required supplies for beer-battered fish and beef and ale pie. But beware; this line of reasoning will not work for eight weeks in a row. I know, I’ve tried.

And, in recent years, we have seen the emergence of the super-ultra-hyper-mega barn style of beer, wine and spirit retailing with a massive range of various lines under one very large roof. An infinitely better range of local and imported beers as well as specialty brews and seasonal beers. The prices are reasonable considering that the other option is travelling overseas to the brewery or knocking on the doors of all the craft brewers across the country.

In Australia we have the ‘luxury’ of two brands of ‘beer barn’ from which to choose.

One is Dan Murphy’s, owned by the Woolworths supermarket chain and the other is First Choice Liquor, owned by their rival, Coles Myer. Dan’s is by far the bigger and has been doing it ‘large’ for a few years longer. I have frequented Dan’s only because I can take the car out of my driveway, point it in any direction and, within four minutes, hit one in the front door. I have been keen to try the opposition since they opened about twelve months ago, but knew only which suburb it was in – no further clues in the advertising – and I wasn’t about to do the marketing man’s job for him. At least give me a road and I’d have probably driven til I found it. Would have passed eight Dan Murphy’s to get there though. I was thinking, only that morning that it really was time that I got of my jacksie and found out where the bloody joint, closest to me, was.

So on Friday night I was working away at the restaurant, talking beer with the guests and the staff and I had the pleasure of looking after a group of five young adults catching up for a night out. Most wait staff probably wouldn’t notice, but the boys – and some of the girls – had a real mix of beers on the table; Belgian blond, German Pilsner, Chill filtered, you get the deal? And so I got talking and I offered some suggestions for a nice beer to go with the food they were waiting on and started talking beer styles and trends and craft breweries and all that kind of stuff.

Come the end of the meal and the guys were ready to leave and, as Forrest Gump so beautifully put it; Just then, God showed up. Not just in the form of a sneaky handshake with the concealed tip, but in the form of Business Karma – or, a business card karma. I often get a business card from a guest, but this one was, well, special. First Choice Liquor. On the very day that I was thinking of doing something about the problem of not having done something about not having been to First Choice!

Thank you, God (and Matt) for the sign. After I get down there (now that I know where it is) I will report on my findings. And on my drinkings.

Cheers,

Prof. Pilsner