Thank you again, Beer Karma.

I am back working for a mate in his restaurant south east of Melbourne. We have worked together for years and four years ago when he was offered this place he rang me to see if I could put my stamp on the front of house operations. I recall asking something like; “Will beer be enjoyed to mark the end of each shift?” A reply in the affirmative led to one from me as well and we were off.

The restaurant itself occupies the old Courthouse built in 1884 and is a stunning heritage building with charm to spare. Sadly many locals fail to share this charm and too few have visited, particularly mid week. Friday and Saturday pretty much take care of themselves but, as any business owner knows only too well, the bills ad the rent and the wages are a 7 day a week kind of thing. While we set the place up to wow the guest and provide great food and service, the numbers were just not stacking up.

I have written recently of Beer Karma and it seems as though she just keeps showing up. The restaurant is on the brink. If Christmas doesn’t see us fill the 60 odd seats every night with big spenders, the doors close. Simple as that. After two years away from the place I have returned to help out a mate, train some new staff and see that every guest has a good time. Oh! Sorry. I’m not the Beer Karma bit – that’s coming in the next paragraph. Just needed to set the scene first.

Beer Karma works in mysterious ways. A new restaurant opened up down the street 6 months ago and normally this would not be a good thing. When the restaurant is opened by people who did not intend to open a restaurant and don’t know anything at all about running a restaurant, well, then it’s a bit less of a bother. This place was built as four separate shops by a builder who was then unable to have them occupied. What do you do if you’re in the shit and have four shops to sell and no buyers? Why not convert the place into a restaurant? Because it’s a stupid idea you dumb flog!! To really set yourself up for a fall you run it as a bar by day and a nightclub at night and put the restaurant upstairs and make all your diners walk through a dodgy bar/lounge/nightclub/pool hall downstairs to get to it. Or not, you decide.

Anyway, it gets better. There’s this show on Australian TV at the minute where two local restaurants go head to head in a bid to improve their menu, decor and service in order to win over a fussy mystery critic. The winner takes away a cheque for $20,000. Nice. Borat NY – IIIIIZE! The new boys down the street decided to nominate themselves and we were fortunate to be chosen by the producers as the ones to take them on. That is, they came and knocked on our door and said; “Would you like to win $20,000? All you have to do is be better than a bloke down the road who asks diners to move - MID MEAL – so that he can make space for some nightclub punters and won’t cook for more than 8 people at a time but takes function bookings for 25? Are you in?” Is Paris Hilton a slapper?! We’re in!!

The show aired nationally last night and we were a little apprehensive as to how we might come across at the whim of the editors. As it turned out we weren’t too bruised or battered – some joints have shut up shop after a caning from shows like these – and we are now sitting back and waiting to see how this unexpected publicity affects the business. In eternal optimism we are gearing up for an increase in trade and a rise in phone enquiries. Being just off the main street which houses another dozen or so restaurants and cafes, we hope that a few more punters might take the chance and pop in. The front of the building is pretty imposing and grand and there are plenty who think we are either too ‘toffy’, ‘stuffy’ or expensive and might now give us try.

The only real gripe that the critic had with us was the fact that on his first ‘secret’ visit and again on his return ‘rating’ visit, he ordered a beer that was out of stock. He congratulated us on having an extensive and interesting beer list and then got the tip from the producer that we couldn’t get the missing beer from any of our suppliers so to order it would make for good telly, I guess. We’ll cop that. If you can’t find a beer from the 107 that we offered that night then I’ll still sleep well.

So that’s our brush with fame for this week. Stay tuned and I’ll tell you which part of the old Aussie expression we fit into; “Winners are Grinners and shit sandwich for second.”

Thank you again, Beer Karma.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

The Local Taphouse

There are bars and then there are bars.

Stop lookin’, I’ve found it!

It is with just a little trepidation that I pen this piece because I feel like I’m letting the world in on what should be a guarded secret; the best beer bar in the whole wide world ever. There, I said it.

The place is called the Local Taphouse and it lives in East St Kilda in Melbourne just a drop kick and a half from the city.

Truth be told, the beer lover in me says “Tell ‘em all!! Shout it from the highest rooftops and whatnot!!” for this is a place that anybody who calls themselves a beer drinker needs to visit at least once in their beery lifetime. For many it will make them realise that they really knew very little about beer and for others it will be the oasis that they have been seeking in the crowded desert of mainstream lager suppliers.

And that’s not to say that the Local Taphouse is in any way, shape or form an elitist establishment – quite the opposite. Welcoming and relaxing, inviting and warm. Mind you, as I hit the doormat the thermostat was in low single figures so the ‘warming’ bit might have had something to do with the chilling wind that was pushing me towards the door! But for the other elements that make this place special all credit to the owners, management and staff.

Any good hospitality venue, be it a restaurant, bar, cafe or beer barn, relies on its people for its success and The Local Taphouse has plenty of stock in this respect. That’s a good thing, too, because the other thing of which they have an abundant supply is beer. Good beer. Very, very good beer.

20 taps downstairs and another 20 upstairs and we’re talking some serious beer guys running this place. Four taps feature ‘showcase’ beers, single kegs of something special, ‘out there’ or hard to find and the rest are grouped by style and cover every taste and temptation. From pale golden pilsners to silky rich stouts and something nice for everyone in between, the only problem is deciding on just one at a time! Fortunately the ‘beer tenders’ allow you plenty of relaxing thinking time to plan and plot out your nights’ beer journey.

Now, any place can plumb a dozen taps and keg up some nice beers, but that don’t make a great beer pub on its own. As I have often posed in this blog; “Where’s the love?!” Making a place LOOK like it’s a good beer place is not even half the equation. Beer is, afterall, a people drink and it is the people who drive a good place. The Local Taphouse is a shining example of how hiring the right people, training them well and encouraging them, and giving them the tools to do the job results in a customer focussed, attentive and friendly staff delivering a consistent and enjoyable experience every time.

I could keep on about this place, and I suspect that I will in further posts, but until then I suggest you get out there for yourself if you can and see what can be achieved in the New World of pubs, bars, restaurants and all that stuff. Tell them you read about it here and they’ll probably nod knowingly and whisper quietly; “Professor WHO?”

The Local Taphouse is at 184 Carlisle St, St Kilda East just between Capel St and St Kilda roads.
Links to the website and beerblog can be found in my Drinking Mates list.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

So what’s your point?

Letter to the editor in my local state daily this morning caught my eye.

“Recently I had the pleasure of dining aboard the colonial tram car restaurant, one of Melbourne’s best tourist attractions. However I was dismayed when I realised the $130 a person cost included unlimited alcohol. I feel this not only discriminates against non-drinkers, but naturally increases the amount of alcohol consumed.”

At first I felt a little sorry for the writer and on two fronts – one; he was DISMAYED at the prospect of unlimited alcohol and two; he was a non-drinker.

I had a quick think about his argument before I ‘naturally’ dismissed it as crap. Have a quick think yourself, champ, before blaming all of society’s ills on the grog. At $130 a head and a world class menu which DOES NOT include chicken parma and nachos you’re not realistically attracting a huge number of bogans, dickheads and potential pissed idiots are you? Most guests who shuffle on to the charming old rattler for a scenic tour of Melbourne and a nice four course meal are not about to kick off their thongs and pull out a form guide while waiting for the barman to pour them a bucket-o-bourbon-and-cola.

For the correct answer to the above, see picture below.

“Surely non-drinkers should not be subsidising those who choose to indulge.”

Surely normal people would either choose to dine at a restaurant that offered separate food and drink deals or would do the polite and sensible thing and make a courtesy call to the tram car restaurant before dining and confirm the conditions or negotiate a discount. Twenty years in the restaurant caper and I can assure you that the set price will cover the costs of the overall experience and will not financially disadvantage the non-drinkers. At least they are being upfront about the cost. If they said the cost of the meal and the ride was $130 and no one pays for any drinks you probably would have said ‘yippee!’ or whatever it is that non-drinkers do when they are happy. They can be happy can’t they?

Besides, it would be impossible to pay for drinks as you go since they took all the conductors off the trams.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner