Beer Myths Part Two - Revisited

Due to the overwhelming success of the first Beer Myths segment – that is to say, I had a jolly good laugh writing it- please enjoy part two of our informative series; That’s Bullshit, Isn’t It?

Q. My homebrew tastes like cats piss. How do I fix this?
A. Don’t put any cats piss in the fermenter during brewing.

Q. I don’t get any bubbling through my airlock. Should I just give up on homebrewing?
A. With that attitude, yes. And quickly. There is no room for sooky la-las like you in this caper. Airlocks often don’t bubble as the expanding air escapes through the seals of many fermenters and you needn’t worry. It just proves that you shouldn’t use your airlock to judge when your brew has fermented out.

Q. I like the girl on the Hahn Super Dry advert with the big boobies.
A. Again, not a question but I am happy to let this one slide. She seems a good sort and certainly better looking than the one who gets fish-slapped in the gondola.

Q. What is the difference between a Trappist beer and an Abbey beer?
A. Very good question. Trappists were a very annoying family who ran around the alps singing all the time ... no, wait, that was the Von Trapps. Trappist beers are made in monasteries – sometimes by monks and sometimes by lay brewers – and there are only six monasteries permitted to use the designation Trappist. Abbey beers are those which have been made previously in monasteries, but have since been made by commercial breweries which are granted the right to label them as monastery beers. The Trappist beers come under the category of Belgian specialty ales while others like the Leffe range include blondes, reds and darks. Beer, that is, not chicks. I don’t think the monks are allowed to have chicks. Not in the monastery anyway.

Q. What does the German word Löwenbräu mean?
A. You don’t specify wether you mean a literal translation of the name or the ethereal plane to which a drinker of this fine brew may be transported spiritually while contemplating the centuries of brewing that have culminated in the creation of this nectar. If you are referring to the name it means “Lion Brewery” according to Willie Simpson’s The Beer Bible and “Lion Beer” according to another source which I can’t find just now. Löwenbräu was brewed for a time in Australia. Not to be confused with the TV show ‘Big Brother which is Lower Brow.

Q. What is a lager bomb?
A. No, this is not some new wave cocktail made from beer, although, in a funny way I guess it is. A lager bomb is the biological process by which the male body completes a heavy night of drinking. Occurring some time during the daylight hours of the following day, the lager bomb is the body’s special way of reminding the drinker of the quality of the previous night’s session. It is also the body’s way of rendering the toilet unusable for anything up to two days. Not to be confused with the Jaeger Bomb which is a way of getting half drunk twenty-somethings to part with to part with large amounts of cash for a drink marketing trick that lasts all of two seconds and doesn’t taste very nie either.

Q. Did you find that reference to Lion Beer yet?
A. Yes, it was in ‘Beer. Slabs, Stubbies and Six Packs’ by Ben Canaider and Greg Duncan Powell. Thanks for asking.

Stay tuned for Part Three.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Beer Myths Revisited

When you scan through the Frequently Asked Question section of any homebrew website – as I’m sure you often do – you find the same questions appearing again and again. It seems that there are some common misconceptions around when it comes to brewing and beer drinking in general. As such, I am taking it upon myself to create a forum in which all those curly questions are answered called; That’s Just Bullshit, Isn’t It?

Q. You can’t brew beer without sugar.
A. That’s not a question. But beer can be brewed without common forms of sugar like sucrose, dextrose and maltose. The Germans have been brewing with nothing but malt since God’s dog was a pup and their beers are generally regarded as pretty fair. Sugars are often used in conjunction with malt to lighten the body and the cost of the beer. Some commercial brewers are proud of this.

Q. You shouldn’t wash your beer glasses with detergent.
A. Again, this is a statement, not a question. It is a long held falsehood that beer glasses should not come into contact with detergents as they break down the head and leave the beer soapy. We have English Ales for that. Just kidding. You need to wash glasses with detergent to remove traces of hop oils and head scum but you must ensure that you rinse all trace of the detergent with first warm and then cold water before drying with a clean towel.

Q. Carlton Cold is labelled just like beer. Why?
A. I don’t know.

Q. Is there really a difference in taste between stubbies and cans?
A. Yes. Stubbies are made from glass not aluminium and are therefore harder to chew. But beer from stubby or can is the same as long as you pour it out into a clean glass first.

Q. I drink a popular brand of beer and yet I can’t get a root. Why?
A. It might be because you have been tricked by beer marketing men into thinking that by drinking their beer you can negate the effects of a bogan attitude to women and poor hygiene. It may also be because you’re ugly and your mum dresses you funny.

Q. What are the names of the blokes in the XXXX advert and what really is the story with them? You know what I mean.
A. I do know what you mean. The men you speak of are Macca, PJ, Harry and Jacko. They could just as easily have been Puddin’ Head, Bluey, Knackers and Shags. And yes, I do think it odd that these guys seem to have spent a greater deal of time holidaying than their combined earning potential would suggest they could with no other company than a slobbering dog and a machine that vibrates, launches toys and shoots video. Even to a Queenslander, this must seem just a little odd.

Q. Will you consider doing another of these Q & A’s?
A. Yes, yes I will.

Stay tuned.

Cheers,

Prof. Pilsner

Please feel free to submit any real questions you may have. It will be a good chance to interact with the Beer Blokes and will stop me from taking the opportunity to simply amuse myself.