“ COULD YOU REPEAT THAT, PLEASE ?”

A recurring theme with beer drinkers who have stepped off the Mainstream Lager Express and happily boarded the Slow Steam Engine Of Interesting Beer Styles is the problem of pronounciation. While the Beck’s and the DABs are reasonably easy to fire off, even after a few, many an intrepid quaffer has had his pride dented while trying to order a Schofferhofer Kristallweizen or, lord help him, a Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier Dunkel, only to receive a look akin to that given to someone who has just asked if they might poo in your hat.

Now, while many accomplished bar staff are very patient and forgiving when it comes to those who trip over their beer labels, many, unfortunately are not. Many times these bar staff ( or drink pourers, as I like to call them ) are happy to ‘correct you’ and in the following breath, mispronounce the same thing. Tossers. It is our responsibility - nay, duty, fellow Blokes, to keep correcting them - and embarrass them, if the opportunity arises. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
and, while you're there, see if they could possibly pour a pot without smacking the glass against the spout of the tap.

I will try, whenever possible to keep you abreast of Currently Recognized Accepted Pronounciations as they become available.

In my many restaurant/bar encounters with beer folk, I have learned to get my tongue around some of the more difficult brewery and beer monikers. A Dutchman recently spent 10 minutes walking me through the correct, native pronounciation of Hoegaarden - though the beer comes from Belgium - and I have since had this confirmed by another. Unless Dutchmen have a running gag to this effect and hold secret parties where they regale each other with stories of “scht-oopid O-sis I hef fyooled “. I doubt this, tho’ as we are talking about beer drinkers here. Anyway, most unlearned pronounce this beer brand as if it was a front yard on Desperate Housewives, when, in fact it is pronounced; HOO - HHHArden. It helps to get the second H sound right if you fill the back of your mouth with half a litre of phlegm. Or, should that be Flem.

And just the other night I met a terrific ‘beer couple’, Mike and Sam. Knows his beer does this boy and one of those kinds of people I love to talk beer with. So we get talking German beer styles and we come to an old favourite - Weissbier, Wiezen, Weisse and I was nicely corrected on the use of the W sounds versus the V sounds. This has always been a tricky one because so many variants are heard in bottle shops, beer cafes and from the lips of the punters. So I can now log as true that the W in German Weissbier is V and the EISS is IZE to get VIZE or VIZEN. Now this bloke, Mike was sponsored for chess tournaments by Beck’s, so I have to trust him on 3 counts. He plays tournament chess - you’d have to trust them, wouldn’t you?, he spoke with a German accent ( unless the German’s have a lark similar to the Dutch ) and because he had a brewery as a sponsor. A dream I’m sure we all share. Back soon, I need to do weiz.

In future posts I will attempt to clear up more mysteries of the beer world.
Like, why is Budweiser (U.S.) made using such a long, complicated method and then, in the end only tastes like Budweiser, and was Carlton Cold really only made for people who want drink beer, but don’t like the taste of beer ? Hmm.

BREW NUMBER TWO - 101

Unperturbed by the possible shortcomings in our first brew - or perhaps in spite of them - the Beer Blokes have rushed headlong into the TWO BREW. Filled with a totally unfounded confidence in our brewing ability a second batch has been cast. A Pale Ale this time and it has certainly proven, in the early stages , to be of a markedly different nature.

Learning from the lessons of the first and, as yet, untasted Lager brew, we used a Cascade tin kit with the addition of 500gm light malt extract and 500gm brewing sugar. Having slightly ( read DOUBLE ) underestimated the total batch volume of the brews we are now well into a feverish quest to provide enough empty bottles to take the second batch before it ferments out. Did I mention that as a result of the type of brew, the temperature and the fact that we added the right amount of sugar, the TWO BREW seems to be fermenting at twice the rate of the first ? Sympathise with us, won’t you, as we attempt to keep ahead of natural forces. Liquid lunches, breakfast beer and four for the road, that sort of thing.

With a beginning Specific Gravity of 1046 it starts out a little ‘larger’ than the first (1040) and has certainly displayed a more noticeable aroma off the fermenter. Still haven’t seen a bubble come off the air lock so I guess those who advise against using this as a means of knowing when to bottle are on to something. By day four the S.G. is down to 1014 and day five to 1010 which, if it remains there, will give us an alcohol content of around 5.5%. Nice.

The raw brew looks, smells and tastes just like a Pale Ale - without the carbonation. A lovely citrus kick and a better than expected hop aroma leads me to hope that the finished, matured brew will be a winner.

A BOTTLIN ‘ - 101

After months of study and research, planning and positioning of equipment and nine days of fermentation, the inaugural brew was yesterday tapped off into bottles. A grand total of 47 stubbies (375ml) and 5 longnecks ( 740ml) of Thomas Cooper’s Heritage Lager have now taken pride of place under the laundry table where they will sit patiently for the next two weeks to bottle condition - a secondary fermentation to carbonate the beer and up the alcohol level - after which time the Beer Blokes will sit patiently and attempt to NOT drink it all, but play the waiting game.

We want to determine just how much our brew will improve (in taste) and clarify (in appearance) when left to mature in the bottle. Normally this would involve simply drinking a stubby or two each week and tasting and logging the maturation. But, in the interests of science, and so as not to offend the geeks, Dr Lager has developed a method by which this process can be assessed and measured more accurately. And this is where “suffering for your art” takes on a whole new meaning. If we use a couple of clear glass bottles per batch we will have a visual guide to the clarity and colour of our beer and be able to photograph and log the development.

To this end Dr Lager purchases some store-boughts to provide the clear empties. And here is where he takes a bullet for the team. He buys XXXXXX XXXX . For the unfamiliar, this is an Australian beer mass produced by a large commercial brewer bottled in clear glass and filtered using a technique which removes impurities from the brew using cold filtering. I can only assume that it does this by attaching the impurities to the beer flavour itself. I know it is a beer because it says beer on the label. This is clever marketing because if you were offered this beer, without knowing what you were being offered, and you drank it, you might not know that you were drinking beer. The label should carry a warning suggesting that you ‘ read label carefully before assuming that contents are beer’ and ‘WARNING - MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF BEER’.

* You will notice that I have hidden the true identity of the beer purchased. You will also note that I have employed X’s to assist in this subterfuge. Do not mistake the X’s for XXXX, or Fourex, a Northern Australian states’ flagship brew. This is a completely different yet equally shit quality beer. * see note below

Now, because Dr Lager does not have any clogged drains around his house, he decides to actually consume the XXXXXXX XXXXs. Here is where we draw the fine line between madness and genius. From a seemingly unwinnable situation, Dr Lager has created brilliance. You see, when he eventually recovers the power of taste, he will better appreciate our homebrew. And other beers. Like I said. Brilliance.

FOOTNOTE; though I have back-handed a couple of beer brands in this piece, I should note that I love beer. All beer. Some are just better than others and some are more commercially popular than others. Some are fiercely defended on the basis of state boundaries and for this they, and their drinkers, are to be commended. It was just too good an opportunity to have a go at a Queenslander. By the way, the mystery beer is Carlton Cold.