Beer Music – Funny Stuff

It’s a funny thing – hence the title for this piece – but when I’m sitting with my thoughts and a beer or two I sometimes recall things from many years gone by and these beer songs are a good example. Beer songs made up using the tune of a song of the day and clever lyrics is an Australian pastime. And there are some which are more developed than the classics like ‘More beer, more beer, more beer, more beer.’ Here are a couple of my own – and some partly ripped off – originals.

I remember that I heard someone use the ‘catch line’ from this first song in a bar I was running about ten years back and I went home and wrote the verses to complete the song. On a deep level it tells the ancient tale of the power that beer holds over us and the respect with which it must be held lest its abuse and disrespect lead us astray and into temptation. On a more shallow level, it tells the modern tale of how chicks who are stinkers sober, get progressively more attractive as the beers flow. Or overflow.

The tune is The Knack’s ‘My Sharona’.
And so I don’t give away the ‘tag’ I have run the three verses together then the chorus, whereas the real song has two verses, the chorus and then another verse. Pedantic, I know, but I don’t want complaints that I have butchered a perfectly good song.

Verse 1

‘Oooh, you’re not a pretty one, an ugly one
I wouldn’t even give you the – TIME SHARONA!
You don’t make my motor run, you’re a bum
I think I’d rather bath in some – LIME SHARONA!’*

Verse 2

‘Keep a little distance please, away from me
The ‘Ugly Cops’ should give you a – FINE SHARONA!
But is it just my destiny, to be a sleaze
And will I have to give you a – TRY SHARONA!’

Verse 3

‘I have only had four beers, just four beers
I’m gonna have to get me a – FIVE SHARONA!
Then another two, just for you
You are really startin’ to look – FINE SHARONA!’

Maybe one more drink, then I think That not so much will you stink
Can a beer, bring me cheer And the courage to come near,
She -started -looking -good after – NINE CORONAS!!

And we’ve all been there, haven’t we? Except for me, I don’t drink Corona. The next ditty is to the tune of The Proclaimers big debut hit, 500 Miles. I first saw the brilliant Scottish comedian Craig Ferguson (aka Bing Hitler) perform the chorus bit on telly somewhere. I tried to find the full version but You Tube had pulled it for some reason. I think, from memory, that the song was just a ‘snippet’, in that it was only a line or two, so I have taken the liberty of writing the verses.

It is translated from the traditional Scottish.

500 Miles

‘When I go out, well I know I’m gonna be,
I’m gonna be the man who’s gooin’oot wi’ you
With some lagers, well we’re gonna need a few
If I’m gonna be the one who goos wi’ you’

When I’m drinkin’, well I know I’m gonna be,
I’m gonna be the man who’s singin’ loudly, too
And when I get drunk, well I know I’m gonna spew
And I just hope that it don’t get on my shoe

(Chorus)
And I have had five hundred beers and I will have five hundred more
And then I’ll be the man who comes to your party and does sick on your floor
Bleugh – da – do –do!
Bleugh – da – do –do!
Bleugh – da – dun- da- la- dun
Dud a lun dud a lun dah dah!

(Drink more beer and repeat chorus)

Hope you found these tunes amusing and get a chance to try them out loudly one night during the following months. If I remember any more or get the inkling to write some more, you’ll know where to find them.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

*I cleaned this line up in case the kids are reading. It used to say; ‘I’d rather stick my d@#k in some lime, Sharona.

Wine and Beer

It has been said, more than once, by beer writers and winemakers alike that many winemakers are frustrated brewers. It is also said, by some that it’s the other way round. It is certainly true that a winemaker must be envious of the brewer as he sits patiently waiting to see if last years grape vintage has become a good profitable stock of desirable wine while the brewer and his customers are already finishing off the last of the most recent brew batch.

Being able to devise and write a recipe for a beer, procure the ingredients and brew and bottle a thousand odd litres of beer while the vines are still being pruned is a definite advantage to taking up beer brewing rather than winemaking. The brewer also has access to his malt, hops and yeast all year round, from home and abroad, while the winemaker’s ingredients are sitting out in his vineyard at the mercy of the Gods and subject to the vagaries of soil, weather and time. And maybe that’s the reason for the emergence of today’s’ topic.

The last two or three years have seen a new trend in Australian craft brewing led by none other than the ‘Wine Guys’. Perhaps due to the fact that the wine market here has seen devastating drought followed by a bulging glut of wine and subsequent fluctuations in sales and profits, and then more drought, the ‘Wineys’ are beginning to take a slice of the beer pie.

Whatever the reason, we have seen some really good beers being made by some really good winemakers at wineries as well as at breweries and even at breweries inside wineries. And whatever the reason, the beer drinker is undoubtedly the winner.

Brad Rogers from Matilda Bay Brewing Company via a couple of other reputable brewing endeavours is a qualified winemaker, as is Ben Kraus from Bridge Road Brewers in Beechworth. These guys can brew some seriously fine beers and beer drinkers around the country should give thanks that we have them and not the wine people. Brad has recently given us Crema, a coffee infused beer, Barking Duck, a Belgian Saison and Ben’s superbly ‘wine inspired’ Chevalier range which sells alongside the Beechworth standards has taken up residence in my fridge in past weeks in the form of the Bier De Garde.

In 2006 Lion Nathan released Knappstein Reserve Lager, a Bavarian style lager with some nice fruity aromas a warming mouthfeel and a nice strong bitterness to finish. It was made by Paul Smith, another beer/wine maker and designed to entice the drinker with wine-like characteristics. Australian malt and sauvin hops combine to produce a flavoursome, yet easy drinking lager.

Saltram, who produce Pepperjack from the world famous Barossa region of South Australia, has teamed up with canny brewmaster Brad Rogers to create a beer which is another step along the blurred line between beer and wine. A beautifully crafted beer with some rich, warm undertones, Pepperjack Handcrafted Ale actually contains a portion of the 2007 vintage Pepperjack Shiraz grape concentrate giving a fruitiness to the aroma and softening the harsher edges of the bitterness in the beer. While the wine flavours are deliciously interwoven into the overall body of the beer, it was a surprise to discover that this wine makes up a third of the fermentables in the beer. It also contains a portion of wheat malt which works well in ensuring that a nice bitterness and head retention is ensured.

So we may be approaching a cultural crossroads in the near future. One of the joys of being a beer lover is laughing at the snobbish and wankish-ly floral way in which aficionados of wine prattle on about their precious drop. If they all cross over to the dark side, who will be left to take the piss out of?

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner

Buying Beer

Swords Select

In my travels I always try to buy some beer. Why not? So it seems only fair that, in the course of writing this beer based blog, that I pass on some of the things that I learn along the way. And so to a trip to the market to buy some beer.

I know that most people go to the market to buy fresh fruit and veg, or to haggle over some prawns or a lamb chop – I know I love to – or to buy some eco-friendly hippie footwear or a budgie but you can also pick up some good beer in some markets. I discovered this quite recently when the bro’ in law introduced me to an erstwhile unknown corner of Melbourne’s Queen Victoria Market. Unknown to me, that is. Mrs Pilsner had been working in the city until recently and walked to the market once every week for four years and never told me about this stall!!

I’ll deal with her later.

The stall at the iconic ‘Queen Vic’ is Swords Select and a cosier, more inviting and well stocked purveyor of craft and international beers you could not hope to find. Local small, independent breweries from Victoria as well as interstate are all given the shelf space and the product knowledge that they deserve and which they sadly miss at the main liquor retailers and the best of the ‘weird and wonderful’ from around the globe are all on show as well.

Swords Select is an environmentally friendly retailer. “Pardon, a what?” I hear you ask. They specialise in one litre, reusable and refundable glass swing top bottles. Buy the wine you like and return the bottle for refilling. Three bucks back to you and the earth gets a helping hand as well. They’ll even serve you if you DON’T wear hippie sandals. But the beer selection is what really caught my eye. I didn’t even realise that they sold wine until I jumped on to their website. Good website, too. Here’s how to get there. Swords select

Plenty of different breweries are represented and a beer each week is available to sample. Sometimes they’ll let you have a sample even if you say that you’ve already had it before and you know what it tastes like. Or maybe that’s just because I’m nice. The environmental-friendliness continues with the provision of reserved six-pack boxes so that you can take your booty home and not kill the dolphins. Plus it encourages you to buy six at a time. I usually get two six-packs so that one of my arms doesn’t end up longer than the other.

It also has the added bonus of giving me some beers that I would not normally be able to get and then tell you lot all about them. While picking up some ‘specials’ last Sunday, I got talking to Mary at Swords about the drawbacks of beer reviews. We both agreed that they just don’t really nail the guts of the beer they review because it is near impossible to convey the conviviality – the occasion, the friends, the timing and the ‘special something’ that can turn a beer into an experience.

In future posts, I will attempt to redress this issue and right some wrongs. I will also even up some scores with reviewers who have talked me into racing out for something that was not only disappointing, but nothing like what was promised. My reviews will be more like ‘road tests’ rather than recommendations. Look out for them – you can’t miss them, there the ones with pictures of boobies scattered amongst the wordy bits.

If you get the chance, get to Swords Select, tell them you read about them on Beer Blokes and treat yourself to some friendly, knowledgeable and value for money advice and some really good beers.

Cheers,
Prof. Pilsner